Have a Blissful Union … Without Losing Yourself
“The two shall become one.” So says the Bible in Mark 10:6–9. The merging of two hearts and two souls remains the blissful ideal vision for most people entering “the state of holy matrimony.” Bliss is a noble goal for any marriage. Instead of heaven on earth, though, half of those who marry find themselves in something closer to a living hell — within seven years. What happens to all those vows of “till death do us part?” There's no doubt that most couples begin married life optimistic that they'll be among those who'll make it. So what is it that goes so terribly wrong?
The problem with this ideal for marriage — one that melds romantic love with spiritual bliss — is that unless both partners enter a marriage as whole and independent people, the union is inevitably flawed and deeply troubled.
In order to attain a blissful marriage, you must accept responsibility for your own happiness and then embrace the process of setting emotional boundaries between the two of you, leaving room for individual self-growth. Then yes, create space for the two of you to grow together as a married couple. Both steps are necessary. These are not easy goals, just essential ones.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a statement of what you will and won't do for or with your partner. It's a decision about what you're willing to put up with, and what you won't tolerate in the marriage. Think of the process of boundary setting as working preventively to come up with a list of actions or omissions that fall into either the “yes” or “no” column; in other words, the point where you cross over the line to irreconcilable differences.
Most young people, and many older ones who should know better, hold their marriage partner responsible for their individual satisfaction. While marriage can be a factor in achieving happiness, alone it will never guarantee fulfillment. In marriage, like the rest of life, happiness is “an inside job.” With all the emphasis on marital bliss, it's understandable if this concept is still a bit fuzzy for many people. You may not even be conscious of exactly when and how you go about projecting your unhappiness onto your partner.
Here are some common examples of relationship dynamics that reflect these unconscious projections:
A man who tries to fill his emptiness by attempting to control his wife's appearance
A woman who attempts to cover her inner void by demanding more and more of her husband's romantic attention and adoration
A man who feels like a professional failure, and then seeks constant approval from his wife to make up for these painful feelings
A woman who measures her husband's love by whether he agrees to accompany her to a party he doesn't wish to attend
All of these issues or situations can be addressed if the partners are honest about their feelings and willing to compromise. Another equally important factor for untangling destructive dynamics such as these is making sure each one knows when a particular compromise may not be possible — when differences become irreconcilable.
