Behind the Need to Control Your Partner
Once you fall in love — unless you're the unusual human being who's done all the emotional work required to be fully conscious of her projections — the immature part of you begins thinking in terms of power and ownership. This is the part of you, as discussed previously in this chapter, who believes that, once you get married, you'll never be lonely again.
With this premise operating in the back of your mind, you attempt to control your partner, storing up hurt and resentments when he doesn't fulfill your immature expectation. Your love begins to buckle under the weight of this onerous burden.
You become even more needy, asking for more of his attention, more proof of his love and adoration, until he feels so overwhelmed, he concludes you'll never be satisfied — and eventually quits trying to please you. Marital stalemate achieved.
Although you might not recognize this common dynamic as an attempt to control your partner — in other words, a marital power grab — it is precisely that. Control is an expression of power, asserted without full agreement by both parties. Usually one person in a dependent relationship wishes for more control than the other and this is when the real problems emerge.
How does the issue of control show up negatively in a marriage?
The controlling spouse is usually the insecure one, and this partner can be either male or female. In attempting to deal with her insecurities, insidiously, she makes it seem as though the problem belongs to her partner. “You don't love me enough,” or “You need to check in with me before you make any personal decisions” are often the controlling partner's attempts to limit the other's individual decision making and thus manipulate him into doing what she wants. This power play within marriage can tear apart trust, fun, and aliveness.
Control is very deceptive. It hides in many forms. For example, one partner can control another by positioning himself as emotionally weak or helpless within the relationship. Threatening to fall apart if the partner leaves him is an attempt to exercise control. It may be difficult to see this as controlling behavior, for the one doing the threatening may be convincing when he seems so helpless. Yet, in reality, he is expressing the desire to hold onto the relationship by making threats.
When Control Shows Up as Jealousy
Another way to control a partner is through jealousy, specifically by allowing it to run amok. Many people believe that jealousy is an expression of love. Not so. When there is no issue of infidelity, jealousy is often a way to control your partner. You may feel as though you cannot bear to have him move away or leave you, or watch him share some part of himself with someone else. Jealousy, in the extreme, is controlling behavior that will eventually destroy the fragility of love by giving in to one person's insecurity and by thwarting the other person's freedom.
Like control, jealousy can also be deceiving. It is easy to blame your partner for the jealous feelings you may experience. Rather than accept jealousy for what it most often is (insecurity), the jealous partner can attempt to prove you untrustworthy, and thus responsible for the jealousy. With jealousy disguised as a trust issue, the jealous partner does not have to own his feelings of insecurity. The message then is “Your behaviors are the cause of my jealousy” rather than “My insecurities are creating emotional distress within me, and I would like your assistance with this issue.”
Alert
When you don't like who you've become as a result of being married to your partner, the marriage is unhealthy.
This is not to suggest that you are not responsible for being very considerate of your partner's emotional needs. That is the very essence of love. Consideration, compassion, and concern are critically important elements in a marriage. That said, love can never be mandated. Love will not survive the controlling nature of jealousy and possessiveness. When love loses its freedom, love begins to disappear.
Here is another excerpt from the case of Scott and Diane, the couple first introduced in Chapter 10. This section focuses on the lack of emotional boundaries in the relationship, an issue that became clear in the aftermath of the crisis wrought by Scott's discovery of Diane's infidelity.
When we spoke by telephone, Scott informed me that Diane refused to come back to marriage therapy and, in fact, now blamed me, the therapist, for the problems in their marriage. This is not unusual. In fact, it's further evidence of Diane's refusal to take responsibility for her own emotions and actions. At this point, my role with Scott and Diane changed. I would now be helping Scott confront his own issues, in effect, the fallout of his (perhaps temporarily) broken marriage. Over the course of four sessions, Scott and I spoke very little about Diane. Our agenda had become Scott, as I sought to show him how his need to control Diane now fit the description of an addiction. The addiction had been exposed by the emotional struggle in his marriage, but it was important for Scott to see that the issue had been there for much of his life. The adoration he once received from Diane had served to hide Scott's emptiness. It was this hole in himself, not Diane's actions or her apparent lack of love for him, Scott now confronted.
In an important first step, Scott finds that he can change his response to Diane's actions — for example, by not following the inclination to spy on her. When Scott deals with the anxiety prompted by his suspicions by doing something he enjoys — shooting hoops with a friend from work — he finds that he immediately feels better. He manages to forget about Diane's betrayal for minutes or hours at a time. It's important to note that such small steps can make all the difference in personal growth. Nothing about Scott's transformation is going to be quick or easy. But, because he's now dealing with the only thing he has any real power over — his own thoughts and actions — it will be a productive journey. Meanwhile, if Scott is going to stay in his marriage, he will have to set boundaries in his relationship with Diane. If he can't tolerate what she now describes as a nonsexual “friendship” with Alan, he has two choices: he can try to change his response to this issue, or offer Diane an ultimatum. And then stick to it.
Scott and Diane's marital problems provide a vivid illustration of the reality that without self-love there can be no love between two people, and certainly no bliss in marriage.
What is the difference between loneliness and solitude in a marriage?
Loneliness is an emotionally painful experience that may be an important indication that you've become socially isolated or overly dependent on your partner for friendship and approval. Solitude is a choice to be alone for any purpose, such as self-examination, relaxation, recreation, or renewal.
