Pitfalls of the First Year
Since you are unlikely to be spared these moments of crisis during your first year of marriage, it's better to think of them as the necessary rites of passage for any long-term committed relationship, rather than a cause of fear or dread.
It's much better to be aware that they're coming so you'll not be surprised or thrown when the tough moments show up — especially since escaping the drama and difficult emotions that accompany these typical crises is just not possible.
There are eight typical pitfalls of the first year of marriage:
Different housekeeping styles: one slob + one neatnik = trouble
Your realization that each of you has at least one nasty habit or character flaw you weren't aware of before
Your first serious differences over money: one spendthrift + one miser = more trouble
Differences around sex, concerning either quantity or quality or both
Tensions around relationships with friends and/or family, including in-laws and stepchildren
Your first experience of “boredom” as a couple, sometimes accompanied by the first experience of straying, or the temptation to do so
Your first serious fight where one or both of you fights dirty (name calling, screaming, ultimatums, criticizing in public)
Buyer's remorse, your first realization that the marriage was a terrible mistake
After getting to the last item on this list, you can see why most marriage therapists describe the first year of marriage as the toughest. It's when the romantic fantasy must become a workable, daily reality. It's where the rubber meets the road. If you're smart, it's also when you make up for any lack of preparation before marriage by learning as much as you can about how to make a real marriage work.
After all these warnings of things to avoid, there is one absolute “must do” to get your marriage off to a good start. Early on in the relationship, you must learn to express appreciation — for both the large and small things your partner does for you and on behalf of the marriage.
Express appreciation in a heartfelt manner. Express it often. Leave little notes saying “Thanks, it meant so much to me that you … did the dishes last night, or bought milk on the way home.” Say it with a kiss and a hug or just a smile. Whatever it is you're grateful for, say so!
Just don't say “thank you” without meaning it. There is (practically) nothing one spouse won't do for the other when a sincere statement or gesture of appreciation is made afterward.
In addition to expressing your appreciation for the nice things she does, you should never pass up an opportunity to appreciate her accomplishments and the other praiseworthy things about her. When she gets a promotion or a raise, celebrate. When he scores his personal best golf score give him a high five. When she looks beautiful, tell her. When you know he's worked his butt off to build a new fence say how much easier it will be to keep track of the dog or the children or simply how nice it looks.
One of the most wonderful benefits of marriage is the experience of having someone on your side at all times. Be there for each other, and side with each other. Be each other's cheerleader.
