Fair fights contain a balance of emotion and reason. Before you begin to review these rules, there's one principle you should understand and think about how it applies to you and your marriage. That is, the difference between emotions and reason in marital disagreements. In most human beings, emotions affect decision making more than logic does. So, to handle conflicts you must understand your emotions, and then attempt to add reason to your process.

Sorting Out Emotions and Reason

Most individuals drift between emotions and reason and get confused about which is which. When a woman says “You don't love me anymore,” she is offering a “You” message that is also an extreme emotional reaction to something. That something could conceivably be real. If, for example, her partner told her that morning that he is no longer “in love” with her, she is simply restating what he said with her own feeling attached. More likely, her response is provoked by something to which she incorrectly attaches an extreme reaction. For example, she may be bitterly disappointed on her birthday when her husband fails to come home with a gift.

What else might she say that would be more appropriate to the situation? How about, “I'm hurt that you didn't acknowledge my birthday by giving me a token of your love.” This “I” message would be both reasonable and appropriate. Especially if, by expressing this feeling, it opens up the subject of gift-giving for this couple to discuss, and what compromises they settle on if they don't see eye to eye.

Finding harmony within a relationship requires that each partner deal first with his emotions and then for both to explore reasonable accommodations or compromises in the marriage — without making either right or wrong, or making the relationship subject to the emotional swings of either partner.

The following ten rules for fair fighting are designed to help you create the boundaries needed to achieve these objectives. They should help you make room for openly acknowledging important emotions that may be lurking behind your behaviors (sometimes feelings you are unconscious of), but then invite in reason and compromise. Boundaries — another word for ground rules — should function as a safety net. If you cannot provide this safety net on your own, you will need an outside mediator to facilitate those disagreements that tend to generate deep emotional responses and destabilize your marriage. Once you've agreed upon your rules, it's a good idea to write them down. Then both sign and date the resulting document as you would any binding agreement.