It's easy to let the differences that may exist between you on one issue spread to a number of others, related or not, but this can turn the discussion into a dumping session. Beware: An all-encompassing verbal fight will prevent resolution and it will intensify all the conflicts put “on the table.”

When this happens, it's far too easy to feel attacked and get into fight-or-flight mode. Unfortunately, neither fighting nor fleeing will get you any closer to solving the difference that began the discussion.

One of the confusing aspects of marital fighting, and a reason why it's sometimes difficult to stay on topic, is that partners rarely are fighting about they think they're fighting about. In fact, many marriage experts agree that most fights are distractions from the real matter stirring up the emotional reactions.

Example Story

Jack and Christine are attempting to discuss the fact that their household budget is in tatters, but each time they try to tackle it, their discussion degenerates into a shouting match. Here are the ostensible issues.

Jack's hours have been cut by the airline he works for; a few months ago, Christine lost her part-time retail job. Without discussing it with Jack beforehand, Christine one recent morning announced her intention not to look any further for a new one, pointing out to Jack the lack of jobs in their area and listing the benefits of her staying home, including her being better able to take care of the kids and cook more meals for the whole family.

Meanwhile, the price of food and gas are up, making money tighter than ever before and pushing their household expenses an average of 20 percent over the amount Jack brings home on a monthly basis. They've been putting the difference on credit cards, but now their cards are maxed out.

As the problem worsens, Jack and Christine are fighting over each new bill and blaming each other. Their lowest points come with each bill collector's call; many of these interrupt dinnertime and ruin the meal for everyone. As the situation worsens, Jack's taken to ranting about the problem, often leaving Christine in tears. Otherwise, a tense silence has taken over their communication.

Discuss

What's going on here? Simply put, Jack and Christine have stopped working together as a team. But things are rarely that simple. Even though this couple's financial deficit is an entirely real and pressing problem, the level of conflict and extreme emotion between them indicates something else at work.

The fact that Christine came to the independent conclusion that she would not seek another job without discussing it with Jack was a sign of deteriorating trust and poor communication. If Jack and Christine don't uncover the underlying feelings driving this reoccurring and escalating conflict, they'll never solve their financial issue. In fact, they risk putting the family at greater financial risk.

Fortunately, at this point, Jack and Christine came to couples therapy. At first, each vented their pent-up feelings and beefs about the other. Jack told Christine that she should look more aggressively for another job. Christine expressed her frustration about not finding a new job after looking for several months, and her hurt that Jack didn't value her staying home to be a better mother and wife.

After taking the time to explore his emotions in the safety of a therapist's office, Jack got in touch not only with his anger about carrying the financial burden but also his fear of failing to be able to support his family, and the potential loss of their home if they fell behind on mortgage payments.

Jack then looked at how he habitually kept his fears to himself and tended to shut down or get angry rather than ask for emotional support from Christine. When he allowed himself to feel this previously unacknowledged fear, Jack's more vulnerable emotions reached the surface, allowing Christine to meet him at the level of that vulnerability with understanding and compassion. Christine also shared her fears, along with her love and respect for Jack's hard work.

Christine and Jack were then able to get on the same side in this crisis. Only after reaching this place of emotional honesty were Jack and Christine able to address the reality that Jack's salary wasn't sufficient to meet their household needs. If Christine did not find another job, a drastic cut in their household expenses was necessary.

They then got to work making those cuts. Christine also agreed to visit a job counselor to look for more part-time employment options. The point for Jack and Christine was that their emotions got entangled with the practical issues, leaving each feeling isolated, overburdened, and alone.

Like so many couples facing similar financial pressures, unless emotions are identified and addressed, practical issues will not get solved — and, if they are, it will only be a temporary fix.

Further, when one partner makes important decisions, such as whether or not to continue looking for work, without consulting with her spouse the relationship has entered dangerous territory. This tricky combination of practical and emotional issues will soon destroy a marriage unless the partners raise a red flag and resume working together as a team.

Clearing Emotions

So how do you find out what you are really fighting about? First, you must produce a safe place for an honest discussion to happen. This means clearing the emotions that may be obscuring the issue you're trying to settle. This can be done individually, or if doing so might open you up as a couple to more intimate understanding of each other, try doing it together.

If you simply need to get your own frustration or anger out of the way, many therapists recommend shouting into pillows to let out the rage (and mute the volume), or taking a walk around the block to cool down. The purpose of these activities is to break the intensity of the moment and then come back to the issue as soon as possible.

One person in the couple has to begin to defuse the emotion. It is often essential to take a time-out for a short period of time with a specific agreement to get back to the matter once the emotions are in more control.

• What feelings are coming up in me that I'm blocking? For example, behind anger there is often fear or sadness lurking.

• If the emotions are tied to an old emotional wound, think about who was the original perpetrator of the hurt? Once identified, you can allow yourself to safely feel the emotions you did not feel as a child. You can also look at the situation from the point of view of whoever caused the hurt, to gain understanding and ultimately acceptance and forgiveness.

• How can I separate what's happening in my marriage from this old hurt? Often just by recognizing the unconscious old wound that was triggered by something said in the present will loosen the tie between present and past. It will also help you and your marriage but only if you can share that old emotional wound with your partner.

Everyone carries childhood hurts into adulthood. A man who had a strong mother and an absent father often carries forward a fear of being emotionally engulfed by his wife. His reaction to strong emotions from her can include withdrawal and shutting down.

Conversely, a woman whose father was absent during childhood may bring an underlying fear of abandonment into her marital disagreements. When this woman's husband raises his voice or offers a complaint, she may react as a child would out of a fear of being left, rather than as an adult woman addressing the issue at hand.

One reason for marriage is to provide a container or safe place for each partner's core wounds to be brought to awareness and processed, allowing personal growth both for the individuals and the marriage.

Limit the Topic

As soon as possible, ideally before you start a discussion, try to pinpoint and agree on exactly what you and your partner are fighting about. Then, work toward resolution of only that issue — one topic at a time.

When couples are fighting, the real need is for the underlying issue to be brought to the table. However, the underlying issue behind any particular fight is often hard to find. Tensions often occur when transitions happen with a marriage, such as a change in employment status, a new baby, or a suddenly empty nest. These changes put strain on any existing weaknesses in the relationship, and it is these weaknesses that suddenly demand attention. Identifying those stresses that tend to produce fighting in your marriage is a vital part of the communication process.

Fights in times of transition can be a blessing in disguise if they help the couple address an underlying issue that may have been invisible before. Taking one topic at a time helps the couple work their way through to find and deal with that weakness. However, unless and until the underlying issue is located and addressed, you cannot solve the more superficial problem.

Another Example

Betsy feels strongly that her husband Daniel's friendship with a coworker has gone past what she feels is appropriate for him as a married man and she wants him to terminate the relationship. Daniel protests that he's not being sexual with this coworker, that he simply enjoys hearing this younger woman's perspective on things at work. She's also introduced him to new things, such as a yoga class he's started attending at her suggestion.

For Betsy, a stay-at-home wife and mother whose youngest child has just left for college, this relationship is threatening. Why? Daniel says he loves his wife and does not wish to have an affair with his coworker. Daniel points out that he's resisting his wife's attempt to control his behavior, saying this desire to control him is what's straining the 20-year marriage, not his friendship with the coworker.

Essentially, Daniel wants to spread his wings; Betsy wants to keep them trimmed. Which of these two partners needs to change his or her behavior to make the marriage work? The answer is both.

In couples therapy, Betsy confronted several things: Her need for a new focus for the energy she previously spent on her now grown children, and her long-standing feeling that Daniel did not share his feelings honestly with her, leaving her wanting for intimate conversation. She acknowledged her fear that Daniel's new friend was getting what she never got in 26 years of marriage.

Daniel confronted his passive-aggressive emotional stance in the marriage, which manifested as him staying emotionally distant from Betsy and his not making efforts to spend time exploring new things in the relationship or communicating intimately. With this host of issues, Betsy's jealousy over Daniel's friendship can be seen as a symptom of other underlying issues having to do with communication and intimacy in the marriage. In order for Betsy and Daniel to come to terms with ground rules for outside relationships, they needed to first address what was missing in their marital connection.

As seen in this example, a couple must locate the real issue causing friction and focus on it before attempting to handle another issue, which may be merely a symptom of the underlying problem. If you don't, both issues will only become muddled and more difficult to settle.

Often a couple must have the help of a third party to identify what's really going on within a marital dispute under the surface. However, the good news is that once the process of stepping back and taking a deeper look at marital difficulties is learned, the couple can practice it without outside help.