Too often, couples arrive for therapy when the hostilities in the marriage have already reached the breaking point. If you are conscious of issues that cause tension in your marriage, it is important to release the complaints gently — without anger — from time to time. Saving up hostilities until emotions are extreme risks catapulting the marriage into disaster.

Some of the dangerous ways anger is expressed between partners include:

• Contempt, including sarcasm, cynicism, sniping, and other forms of negativity

• An accusation of a moral deficiency (“You're lazy, self-indulgent, thoughtless”)

• Defensiveness (“It's not my fault, it's yours”)

• Shutting down, not listening, not responding to a partner's complaint

• Nagging

It's a sure sign of unexpressed anger when your problem-solving exchange immediately escalates into the trading of accusations or another nonconstructive discussion instead of staying on topic.

Expressing Anger Constructively

Everyone feels angry from time to time. It's one of those feelings that can alert you to the fact that something is wrong. The challenge for most people is figuring out what to do with the experience of anger when they feel it.

If ignored, anger can eat you up inside and produce disease. Expressed foolishly and carelessly, you may soon be living your life alone, or having a never-ending series of relationships that do not last very long.

Bad ways to deal with anger include:

• Finding someone to dump your anger on. This is the coward's way out of this sometimes-difficult emotion. Someone who gets behind the wheel of a car and expresses his rage by cutting off another driver or honking the horn incessantly is often a person looking for an easy target to let go of rage. This causes accidents and never effectively deals with anger.

• Taking out your rage verbally or physically by abusing those who are weaker. Whether the victim is a spouse, a subordinate employee, or a child, you are behaving as a bully expressing rage toward someone who cannot defend against it.

• Discrimination or prejudice.

All of these are examples of holding defenseless victims responsible for the inner turmoil within the abuser.

There are good and bad ways to deal with anger. Knowing the difference can help make your marriage work. Some good ways to channel anger include:

• Go walking, running, or to the gym. Exercise is the often the best form for releasing overpowering anger.

• Take on a large chore, such as mowing the lawn or cleaning the house.

• Hit, scream, and yell: A punching bag is good. Hitting a mattress can work just as well. Avoid walls. Screaming into pillows or while driving alone in the car also work.

Movement will release the inner tension and help dissipate the pent-up energy inside you. These techniques release the inner tension without picking a fight with a loved one, or doing damage to yourself and others by being reckless with your body. Once you take responsibility for your feelings, they can be managed, reduced, and ultimately eliminated. Anger, like other negative feelings, doesn't need to be nursed along or brought to full expression.

All of the methods for dissipating anger should be viewed as constructive alternatives to dumping anger on your partner — whether the two of you are in the middle of a difficult discussion or not. If you are in a discussion when strong feelings of anger bubble up inside you, this is when you should call a time-out; then always agree on a time to resume. (Not to resume is to avoid.)

Remember, anger is not constructive or helpful in getting to the resolution of any disagreement.