Making generalizations in the form of accusations does not help you work toward resolution of marital disagreements. Rather it intensifies the fighting and leads to deeper emotional hurts.

When you find yourself heading toward making such a statement, it's important to put on the brakes. This is exactly the sort of negative, often compulsive thinking that makes it more difficult for you to see your own part in creating the conflict. After all, if everything were always his fault, there would be no room in the dynamic for your fault.

All marital issues have two sides, and each partner is responsible for her side in any conflict in the marriage. If the partner who is more verbally adept makes a habit of regularly criticizing her partner, she risks killing the relationship. The criticized partner will eventually come to the conclusion that he is wrong most of the time, or at least wrong for his current partner.

The reality is no one wants to be wrong that often. It's an intolerable situation and it will have to eventually break down — whether into verbal or physical abuse, permanent estrangement, or divorce.

Words Matter

While criticisms of specific aspects of one's behavior are not enjoyable to hear, most people learn to listen and deal with such criticisms when they have to. They cooperate because there's a clear incentive for them to do so. Indeed, this is how all people grow in their social skills, and social interaction is a necessity to human happiness.

That said, no one grows from hearing a negative judgment that makes a blanket condemnation of who he is as a person. In fact, such judgments tend to reinforce negative behaviors by encouraging the person to isolate himself from the one doing the condemning. It's natural to defend against negativity.

To review and summarize, here are some words guaranteed to escalate a conflict:

• You always (criticize me)

• You never (pick up after yourself)

• You don't (love me anymore)

• You're worse than (my mother, father, boss)

• I wish I'd never (married you, had children with you)

Here are some words guaranteed to de-escalate a conflict:

• I feel (sad about your forgetting our anniversary)

• I need (more affection)

• I'm sorry (for overreacting, my poor choice of words)

• You are right about (my overreaction)

• I regret saying (you don't love me)

• I appreciate your saying (you love me)

In the end, there is nothing more powerful in marriage than the expression of appreciation between partners. Tell your partner you appreciate her. Tell her often.