If you habitually criticize your spouse without offering solutions, you are “garbage dumping” and you will only intensify the hostility between you. The point of all disagreements is to come to resolution, not to overload the relationship with negativity. Here's an exchange where a negative dynamic is at work.

Original criticism: “I can't believe you forgot to take out the trash again this morning. That's so irresponsible.”

Revised criticism with solution: “Unfortunately, you didn't get the garbage can out in time this morning. I was thinking it might be easier to remember to take it out to the curb the night before. What do you think?”

Spouse Response “I'm sorry, I hit the snooze alarm and missed it.”

“Should we do something to remind you the night before?”

“No, I'll handle it.”

In order to move one's thoughts or a discussion from complaints to solutions, a positive attitude and a desire for harmony is essential. In other words, you must move away from the “bunker mentality” that makes each of you feel like you're in a battle with the other.

In this case, the other is the person you've chosen as your life partner, so this attitude is wholly out of place. At the same time, it's a human tendency to back into a corner and take cover when you feel unheard, unseen, and under attack — even if the incoming artillery is your own negative thinking.

This is where commitment comes into the equation. When you chose to marry, you agreed to attack your differences together, not as two separate competing armies.