Rule 2: Schedule Your Arguments
It is always wise to put the request to your partner ahead of time, asking for a time and place to discuss your differences.
It's also helpful to advise your partner of the topic you wish to discuss. Many people will have a defensive reaction if they don't receive warning of a potentially difficult discussion. There's no right or wrong involved, defensiveness is just a possible reaction you may as well try to avoid. Requesting an appropriate time for dealing with a disagreement is respectful and supports the resolution of the problem.
With advance notice each partner can prepare his thoughts about the issue to be discussed. He can also do some independent sorting out of his own emotions.
A request might sound something like this:
“We always have disagreements about how to celebrate Christmas. I want to go to my mother's this year. What do you want to do? How can we handle our different desires … you want to stay home and I want to bring the kids to visit my family? Christmas is six months away, but if we're going to buy plane tickets we should do it soon. When is a good time to discuss our plans?”
Or like this:
“You seemed angry that I spent time with my friends after work on Friday night. Can we discuss it on Saturday morning?”
Other ways to prepare for the discussion of an issue of contention include:
Know what you want and how you'll articulate it using an “I” statement
Be open to what unfolds and don't come with a preconceived notion of what the resolution or compromise is going to be
Be prepared to own and share your own emotional baggage if there is any that you bring to the discussion
Think about your bottom line, and what might you be willing to give up in a compromise
Give some thought to potential compromises, which you can offer as suggestions — not ultimatums
Essential
Always think before you speak. To resolve a conflict with a spouse, know what you really want before you ask for anything. You may not get it, but at least you will be clear and honest in your communication.
With just a little practice, this type of problem-solving discussion becomes a habit in your marriage.
Once established, there will be more trust between you and your partner because each of you can count on having the opportunity to air and deal with a troubling issue in a timely way. Neither of you need sit with a problem and have it fester. The result: more harmony in your marriage.
