The question often arises, “Should children be a part of therapy if their parents are in great strife or when the marriage may be in the process of dissolving?” This is a difficult issue as the children are obviously affected by the couple's problems and the possible breakup of the family unit. Normally if the couple is having emotional tension, children should be shielded from the marital problems, but if the marriage is in the process of dissolving and is going to end in divorce, family therapy might be necessary.

The main key to consider is the age of the children. Unless the children are in their teens, it is best to shield the children from marital stress as much as possible. As the parent you should only answer questions they ask, and then keep your answers brief and simple. The best explanation to give children is that their parents, like all people, are having a tough time getting along right now and need outside help to resolve their problems, thus they are seeking professional help for their marriage. Make this a positive for the children. It can teach them that when problems occur, it is appropriate to seek professional guidance just as one seeks a dentist when there's a toothache, or a doctor for physical illness. If the results of the counseling are that a divorce is coming, the children have to be told at some time, and in an appropriate manner.

Generally, it's best to keep as much private in the marriage as possible, but this is not always possible. If the children see repeating or worsening tension in the marriage, they are involved. If they are involved, consider the best way to help them deal with what they are witnessing. If the tensions are severe and the children are old enough, a separate therapist to focus on the children's emotional needs may be advisable. This issue is addressed further in Chapter 18.