What Marriage Therapy Can't Do
Marriage therapy can only work if both individuals want to save the marriage. If one of the parties is determined to divorce, marriage counseling to stop the divorce is useless and is more likely to indicate that the other partner is in a state of denial about the disintegration of the relationship. Most marriages end because one of the partners has come to the conclusion that he would be happier living apart. Rarely do both parties agree at the same time that a divorce is right. The result is that the one being left will feel like the victim and have anger to deal with, while the one leaving will carry the guilt.
ssential
Happy marriages have all the timing and grace of a trapeze artist. If you want to have such a relationship, you will have to work at it. Not just when you are in trouble, but before the magic wears thin. You will have to learn new skills and then practice these skills with all the dedication and finesse of the most agile, dedicated performers of the circus.
Marriage counseling is about teaching couples new skills to get along as a couple. What cannot be taught in marriage counseling is how to love another person and how to be committed to that person. Once one has fallen out of love, or has decided he wants the marriage to end, marriage counseling will not help. What it can do is help the reluctant partner come to terms with what is happening and limit the emotional damage done during a divorce. No counseling can talk someone into being in love with another. No counseling can teach commitment to another human being. No marriage counseling can hold together a marriage if one partner is determined to end it.
A generation ago, it was nearly always the female who brought her male partner into marital counseling to try to get things to change. The man usually sat silently with hostile body language while his wife spoke about their problems. His reluctance to be present, his silence and hostility to the entire process made counseling very challenging. His attitude, of course, had to be addressed before any progress could be made.
Question
Who is the client in marriage therapy?
Contrary to conventional thinking, it's not the husband or the wife. It's not even the couple. The client is your marriage. You want and need your marriage therapist to be on the side of helping you to preserve and strengthen your marriage.
Today many more men initiate counseling for marital problems than in the past. While many people in past generations considered going for marital counseling a source of shame, that attitude has also faded with time. Marital intervention, whether help comes from a psychotherapist, a social worker, or an experienced religious counselor, is now a widely accepted and effective approach to finding solutions when your marriage is in trouble.
