Therapists are often asked, “I'm having trouble in my marriage, should I seek individual psychotherapy without my partner, or should we wait and seek counseling together?” The answer depends upon the nature of the difficulty and the willingness of both parties to seek the services of a marriage therapist. If your partner does not want counseling, and you are having trouble with your marriage, much good can come from individual sessions. Many people fear that if one party goes into marriage counseling alone, the result will be a divorce. That is definitely not the case. Most people who seek marriage counseling are looking for solutions to marital problems, not looking for a divorce. If a divorce is the intent, one party will find an attorney, not a marriage counselor. By its very nature, therapy asks the question, “What am I doing that I can change that will improve the situation?” Therapy is not about sympathy and passing blame upon others. It is always about taking control of your life and changing the only person you can change: yourself.

What can come from individual counseling for a couple's problems? By one person changing his approach in the relationship, he can change the marriage for both. In short, one person can make a difference. While eventually both must change for the problem to be completely resolved, one of the partners can produce a substantial change — enough to greatly improve the relationship — just by changing his own behavior.

Not exploring this possibility in individual therapy if your partner does not want counseling would be underestimating “the power of one” to act as a transformational agent. If your partner is not ready for counseling when you are, it's best that you take action and go to therapy alone, especially if the alternative is letting a problem fester. If you are looking for ideas that could change the internal dynamics of the relationship, exploration in individual therapy can provide valuable insights and offer approaches that you may not have considered. Many people incorrectly believe that change can only come through dialogue. Endless talking about problems does not solve anything. Action is the key to change. In individual therapy, you can discover and even role-play new dynamics that might help get the relationship unstuck in one or more areas. In this way, one person changing her behavior can be an effective strategy.

However, there is a danger in individual counseling for a marital problem that you need to be aware of. The therapist, being human, may side with you and reinforce your position in the disagreements, rather than searching for mutual solutions to the couple's problems. This could be a problem if the therapist becomes judgmental and becomes set in how he believes you should create a solution to the problems within your relationship. In summary, exploration of how you can shift the energy within your marriage is achievable in both individual and couples therapy. To deny yourself the opportunity to seek individual help if your partner doesn't want counseling as a couple is not only shortsighted but also could keep you stuck in difficulties for years while you wait for your partner to join you in working on the problem.

Remember, “the power of one” has been proven over time to be the deciding difference in making important changes in society. If it is true on a global scale, just imagine how much power you may have to make positive change within your relationship. So if you are experiencing difficulty in your relationship, ask yourself whether you should look into individual counseling or couples counseling.

Individual counseling can and often does make a relationship better. However, there are differences between individual and couples therapy. Both have their place and both hold value. Choose wisely, and do not be afraid to find another therapist if the one you are seeing is not working for you.