The Challenges of Blended Families
The many challenges of membership in a stepfamily can be summed up in one word: expectations. Far too many people enter a second marriage with disappointments from a former, failed marriage front and center in their minds and a host of unrealistic expectations going forward. You want to “do it right” this time. If you're still nursing wounds from your marital break-up, you expect his love and your new blended family to take away all that pain, putting happiness in its place. Starting a marriage with these shaky assumptions is like a taking a cross-country trip with the wrong map, doomed from the start.
The challenges of marriage in blended families fall into two main categories, financial and emotional.
Financial
If you (or your partner) share child custody with an ex-spouse, there are greater costs incurred for the support of two (perhaps three) households — customarily each child has a bedroom and a wardrobe in each home — along with the expense of transporting kids back and forth. Then there's child support, day care, and, eventually, hefty college tuitions — along with all the other costs of family life. For many exes, it's very hard to keep the management of these child-related expenses clean of the inky residue of your divorce.
Emotional
The bond between a parent and her biological child is different than between a stepparent and her stepchild, and this difference need to be recognized as such without the guilt that often accompanies unreal expectations that these relationships should somehow be equivalent or equal. You can strive to have the best possible relationship with your stepchildren, and hope that your combined brood will get along, but you must be realistic. None of this closeness and cooperation is a given. You have to work at it, and then sometimes, despite your best efforts, these relationships remain difficult.
Question
How long does it take for a family to blend?
According to the Stepfamily Association of America, it takes on average from four to seven years for its adult and child members to feel safe and comfortable within a new blended family.
In the face of these challenges, the best and only solution is to keep your marital relationship strong. All of the difficulties present in any marriage, and the tough job facing any parent, are harder, and more critical to resolve in a blended family. Chief among these challenges are communication, keeping a united front on child discipline, and boundary-setting.
