Divorce a Spouse, Not Children
There's a general rule of thumb that an adult requires a minimum of three years following a divorce in order to emotionally recover; that is, before he's ready to detach from the last relationship and fully engage with a new partner. However, if you and your ex have children together, you will never be completely disconnected from each other. Each child-centered interaction following your marital breakup is an occasion to stir up whatever's unresolved between you — or lay it to rest. That just takes into account potential issues between the exes.
Fact
Words matter. Don't ask your stepchild to call you “Mom” or “Dad.” He's likely to feel that calling you that would be an act of disloyalty to his biological parent. If he chooses to do this on his own, by all means, respond positively. If not, calling you by your first name is a common solution.
A substantial amount of clinical experience and research shows that a child takes much longer to emotionally recover from divorce (when compared to his parents) — and some never do. This reality makes the aftermath of divorce and the creation of a new blended family a delicate, often painful, and lengthy transition for all concerned. In their landmark twenty-five-year study, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee expose two long-held assumptions about the children of divorce as dangerously false. The first assumption is that divorce is at most a temporary crisis for children when parents go about a family breakup without rancor. The second is that with joint custody, adequate visiting, and child support, children of divorce will fully recover and be far better off than if they'd remained in an intact family with unhappy parents still married to each other. Contrary to these widely held beliefs, the study authors found that a significant percentage of those adult children of divorce surveyed experienced more learning, emotional, substance abuse, and relationship problems — when compared with their peers from intact homes.
These data suggest that if you're a parent in a blended family you may be dealing with long-term emotional difficulties in your stepchild or biological child as a result of her experience of divorce. The positive side to knowing this is that you can avoid unrealistic expectations that she will necessarily snap out of her sadness after a brief period of adjustment. Your child or stepchild may adjust without great trouble, but she may also be troubled and act out her emotional turmoil in the context of your new blended family and beyond.
Alert
Every child of divorce wants her parents to get back together — no matter how much she likes her new stepparent. Many hold on to this wish well into adulthood. As a stepparent this is a reality to accept — not something to change or resist — especially if you wish to form a positive relationship with your stepchild.
Many children of divorce hold onto resentment toward the stepparent for many years. A prudent course for a blended family is to arrange individual psychotherapy for a child during and after her parents' divorce. The key to making a blended family work is to normalize the child's feelings of loss and anger and provide sufficient time and space for her grieving process.
To help adults and children make the difficult transition into a new blended family, the best course is to cultivate a civil relationship with your partner's ex-spouse (your predecessor), so there can be a minimum of tension between you. This will make many things easier, especially for the children. First, it will allow the ex to make tension-free parent-child visits at your home. Civility also makes it possible for all to assemble peaceably at children's birthdays, graduations, and other joint child-family holiday observances.
Question
What should you do if an ex-spouse is openly hostile to you or your new partner?
Regardless of the ex's behavior, never rail or criticize the ex in front of your child or stepchildren. Try to shield children from any ongoing conflict between the adults. If arguing persists, limit contact and set clear boundaries with your ex. Suggest counseling for the entire blended family, the ex included.
