Creating Intimacy and Sexuality
Vulnerability is the only path to sexual intimacy. The woman is always more vulnerable in a heterosexual relationship because she must receive her partner into her body. Nothing could be more vulnerable or beautiful than this invitation. It is both a spiritual act and an expression of surrender. It is also her choice to give herself freely to her partner, which makes the sexual act possible. However, for the experience of sexual intimacy to broaden and become the glue for a long-term marriage, both partners must become vulnerable.
The French refer to the sexual climax as le petit morte, the little death. They equate orgasm to a heightened spiritual experience that is similar to death. In death, humans surrender their very essence. In sexual behavior, couples surrender their individuality and enter a sacred realm where the union of two bodies, two hearts, and two souls is possible. Not only is sexuality one of the greatest pleasures of human existence and nature's way to reproduce the human species, but it can also be one of the most healing aspects of a distressed relationship.
Honest conversation about sexual expression is imperative if you want sex to be a healing element in your marriage. Too many couples are afraid to talk about sex, and the results are assumptions and expectations that, if not discussed, will harm the relationship. It becomes essential that if you are sexual, you must also be able to give voice to your sexual needs, desires, and wishes, and you must listen to your partner in a receptive, loving way.
The smart couple does not allow the sacred space of sexuality to be hurt; they protect their sex because of its power and healing quality. Once sex is abandoned or disturbed in a relationship, emotional healing must occur if the couple is to continue to enjoy intimacy. Yet most couples are sexually and emotionally immature. The intense feelings that arise when two people are sexual, or conversely if one partner is withholding sex from the other, are so powerful that too many have no idea how to manage the intensity or the anger.
Same Need, Different Ways to Ask
A man and a woman may both want intimacy with each other, but they will often use different words to ask for what they want. See if you can guess who's asking each of the following questions, a man or woman.
“Can we talk?”
“Hey, want to fool around?”
As you probably guessed, the first speaker is female, the second male. In part this difference in how men and women ask for intimacy stems from how each tends to experience sexual arousal. A man who is more visually oriented than a woman experiences desire first, arousal second. For a woman it's often the opposite. She's aroused first and then feels a desire for sexuality. This is one of the reasons why women prefer longer periods of foreplay before intercourse. When a man arouses his partner through stroking, kissing, and exchanging loving words, this foreplay often leads her to an experience of a deep desire that may not have been present when he initially approached her.
Loving talk between partners is different than the problem solving type of communication that must go on during weekly check-ins. Neither is like the light banter you may exchange in the course of a day. In fact, it's imperative to keep your sexuality free of “real life” talk as much as possible. Instead, you should make sexuality a sacred time and place where your only agenda is to make room for expressions of love and laughter that stem from the joy of profound connecting. No discussions about money, the kids, problems with a friend or relative, or knocks at the door or phone calls should intrude.
