The definition of “special needs” used here is broader than how this label is typically applied. This section addresses common parenting and marital issues that arise from the challenge of two parents coping with a child or adolescent afflicted with a behavioral or mental health disorder, addiction, disabling physical illness, or disability. The truth is that whether your child is deaf, using drugs, anorexic, or emotionally troubled, the stresses and coping strategies for parents are more similar than different. Marriage is hard enough without adding the disruptions and stress caused by the demands of a child with a serious problem. When this kind of ongoing stress is present in a relationship, balancing the emotional ups and downs is challenging work.

Unfortunately, according to available statistics, the chronic stress it produces is more likely to cause a couple to pull apart than pull together. The divorce rate for marriages with a disabled child is estimated at between 50 and 70 percent. The only heavier stress on a marriage is the death of a child, which destroys 90 percent of marriages. After hearing all the bad news, couples should be forewarned that they must commit to do the hard work of finding a better solution to handle the inevitable stresses that will inevitably come up if your child's special needs are anything other than short-lived.

While the solution for marriages facing such a challenge appears obvious (that is, to cooperate and support each other while dealing with the painful or trying circumstances), reality reveals that this is far easier said than done. To face these challenges as a team is the ideal, but this is on-the-job training with very little available support for couples under such duress.

The Blame Game

It is pointless to assign blame, but it is also human. For many people encountering a stressful life situation — especially as the parent of a troubled child — it feels counterintuitive to simply accept what is and work from that base line. Individuals within a couple who are frustrated by a large amount of stress tend to wander unconsciously into assigning blame and then the problem begins to tear their marriage apart rather than bond them together.

This same blame dynamic can affect parents confronting any sort of crisis, but the most documented research has been done around parents dealing with the death of a child. The individuals within the couple are so overwhelmed that they often turn on each other rather than come together for the mutual support that will make the experience more bearable. For many couples, accepting the reality that a child has a potentially debilitating health or mental health condition can feel like a loss nearly akin to death. In this case, the loss parents might experience may be more the dream of the young adult they wished a child to become. It is painful for any parent to be forced to stand by, feeling powerless to lift any large burden from a child.

If you are going to survive this experience and grow as a marriage and a family, the way of cooperation and teamwork is the royal road. Starting with a strong marriage makes you better prepared for the stresses that arise when your precious child is afflicted with a serious problem, but through hard work and commitment even a less solid marriage can rise to the occasion.

How to Avoid the Blame Game

First, you must accept that blaming — even if you think your partner is the one at fault because of something he did or neglected to do — will always be counterproductive. So are beliefs and statements such as, “Your family is full of alcoholics, that's why …” or “If you had played ball with him more often he wouldn't have….” Rather than help you cope with the reality of your experience, blaming your partner will only make things much worse.

It is not easy to avoid such mind traps. Men and women in strong marriages know these games are disastrous and learn to avoid them whenever their minds begin to go down that road. In these cases, rather than succumb to blaming, the stronger partner should (figuratively) hold the space open for peace to return rather than match his partner in assigning blame. The highest priority must be put on avoiding the infighting that can occur where one of you begins to blame the other for the problems present in your family. If blame arises, you need to find ways to release the stress and get back to cooperating and coparenting.

Guilt as a Marriage Destroyer

Another emotion that is very difficult for parents of a child with a serious problem, be it physical or emotional, is guilt. When guilt arises in one partner, it is very common for him to become angry with his spouse in order to relieve his own feelings of guilt — an emotional reaction that is most often not recognized for what it is: a projection of guilt. Many times guilt will show up this way because the pain of facing one's own guilt is too heavy. To distinguish between feelings of guilt and anger is difficult when you are on either side of a heated discussion.

The first step for couples dealing with these challenges is to simply accept the many conflicting feelings that arise from the stress level they are experiencing as parents of a troubled child, and allow each other the space to have these conflicting feelings. If your partner becomes angry with you, you should take an emotional step backward and try not to become defensive. This is the way to get closer to cooperation, without isolating yourself and thus creating more anger in the relationship.

Every married couple, including those without a special needs child in the family, needs time away from the role of mother and father in order to nurture their own relationship. When dealing with the extra demands that a problem in a child can place on parents and on the entire family, this tending of the marriage relationship is even more important. There are several proven therapy options that can help keep spouses from falling into the common traps of blaming each other for a child's problem or enabling the child's negative behaviors; both are detrimental and capable of wearing down a marriage and putting the family at risk of breaking apart. The most useful therapeutic options in this situation are marriage therapy and group therapy for couples.