Nuts and Bolts of Family Therapy
The process of healing takes time for a family that has been operating under stress. Family therapy is a process that requires each member's participation. Over several sessions, family members can learn how they function both positively and negatively with all the other members. When you first engage in family therapy, the therapist will function as an observer, a silent detached guide who is responsible for assisting the family to heal the broken parts of their relationships.
After observing family dynamics in the context of therapy, the therapist will then play a more active role, interacting with the family and its members to encourage open communication and help each member function optimally.
The average number of sessions for family therapy is between six and 10, so you are not necessarily looking at a forever situation. Once the family is stabilized, the therapist can be used on an as-needed basis. A trusted therapist whom your family can see when in crisis is an important ally for a family.
Essential
If you feel the therapist is not understanding you, or providing assistance, trust your instincts and move on. It may be that a therapist's style of rendering treatment is not a good match for your family. If you're not feeling comfortable after several sessions with a therapist, honestly tell him your concerns and tell him you will be looking for a new therapist. You will know within the first session of family therapy whether the therapist is the right fit for your family.
Why Go to Family Therapy?
Usually a family starts family therapy when parents need help managing the children or when one member of the family is in crisis. If only one family member is identified as the patient, other family members are hiding their feelings behind an assumed status as one of the “good” children in relationship to the “patient” or problem child. This unhealthy dynamic will first have to be exposed and unraveled. That's because in family therapy, the entire family is the patient.
For example, in one home where the mother and father argued frequently and loudly in front of their three children, their oldest son, 16-year-old Brandon, became the family's ostensible problem child. In a clear bid to get his parents' attention, Brandon broke into a school building and defaced classroom walls with spray paint, getting caught by a school janitor and turned in to the police. When the call from the police came, a new round of fighting between Brandon's parents ensued, each blaming the other for “Brandon's problem.”
Fact
The problem child, also called the black sheep, controls the family by acting as the center of attention for the entire family. Other family members may feel unimportant or unseen in this family dynamic because so much time and energy is taken up by the problem child. An effective family therapy process will stabilize this imbalance and teach everyone how to get their needs met.
This explosion of tension left Brandon's younger brother and sister feeling even more scared and alone. When Brandon's father went to collect his son from the police station, Brandon refused to see his father, saying he'd only go home with his mother. What was evident here in addition to Brandon acting out the family problem was his apparent need to choose between his parents in their ongoing hostilities.
Obviously, the problem in this family did not belong solely to Brandon. This was a case where a juvenile court judge's order to send the entire family into therapy as part of its adjudication of Brandon's misdemeanor crime was a blessing in disguise for all.
In the case of Brandon's parents, the husband and wife required separate marriage therapy to address their inability to communicate and resolve marital conflicts. At the same time, the entire family received therapy so that the children's needs for safety and emotional support could be seen and heard by the parents. Ultimately, stability returned to this household.
