The golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you,” if practiced, would end all misery and suffering at the hands of other humans. If children are going to have a chance at growing up to be more peaceful adults, the first place this golden rule must be established and taught is by parents in the home. Successful discipline of children requires a strong commitment to a family culture of absolute, inviolable respect for each member's safety and well-being.

This commitment to assuring that everyone in your family gets the same level of physical and emotional safety translates into a zero tolerance for verbal or physical assaults made to or from anyone in the family.

The unbreakable commitment to respect and safety must first be lived by parents within the marital relationship if it is going to be understood and imitated by their children. Here are some of the nuts and bolts of basic parenting that underline the commitment of respect:

• Don't give up your authority

• Don't bargain with your child

• Don't discipline until you are calm and without anger

• Don't show your anxiety or fears when disciplining

• Do model vulnerability and an ability to recover from your mistakes

• Do set clear limits

• Do make simple, clear statements

• Don't expect a “thank you” (at least not immediately)

• Do emphasize the positive

It can be a difficult balancing act for a parent to play the disciplinarian and still strike a positive tone with children, but always remember that by setting boundaries and keeping to them, you are giving your child an essential life lesson. Parental discipline leads the child to self-discipline; eventually he will be empowered by his own self-control.

The Challenges of Adolescence

A special word is needed about teenagers. Adolescence is a very difficult transition for both teenagers and their parents. These brand new adults have the minds of children but the bodies of adults. They have to manage insecurity, rebellious feelings, a need to feel accepted by their peers, and the painful bodily changes that are happening to them. To deal with these changes, teenagers develop a superficial arrogance with which they attempt to mask their confusion. Their lack of humility can be frustrating to parents, and can result in outbursts of rage that exasperate the entire family.

How can you survive a child's adolescence and help him make the necessary transition from child to adult? There are three keys that should be considered.

First, remember what is developmentally occurring to an adolescent during this time. He is facing a strange and frightening new stage of life while ending another much easier one. Childhood has passed, and adulthood is approaching. He is integrating concepts of self-determination, identity, responsibility, and all the mixed signals he's receiving are difficult to digest. One day he acts like a child, the next day he's an adult. Mood swings tend to be exaggerated. Arrogance is a defense against the significant amount of fear that lies just beneath the surface.

Parents need to carefully shift responsibility for control of a teenager's life. You must loosen up on the controls so he can have “dry runs” at the difficult lessons of self-determination. The objective is to help him reach total responsibility for his life. This needs to be accomplished by gradually giving him more responsibility, and, as he demonstrates responsibility, more personal choice and freedom.

The second key in coping with your teen is to pick your battles wisely. The wise parent knows when to let things be, and when to draw the line. Don't get caught up in her emotional excesses. She is looking to hook you into her personal drama, but it is important that you step aside (lovingly) and don't do it. The typical adolescent is frequently experiencing emotional extremes, and if the parents join her in these extremes, the entire family will become unstable and emotionally disturbed.

The third principle is to always reassure your teenager that you love her, regardless of what she does and says. Of course, that doesn't mean you won't discipline her when you have to. When as a typical teen she questions so much in her life, she becomes confused about thoughts and feelings — and as such is vulnerable to making poor judgments about her choices. A parent's calm, loving support and boundary-setting around important issues is the best guarantee that your teenager will succeed.