The Reasons to Go Through with a Divorce
The decision to dissolve a marriage is extremely personal. While divorce is always a failure, sometimes it's a necessary one. Physical or emotional abuse is the main reason people should seek a divorce. Physical abuse is easy to assess, while emotional abuse is far more subjective. This type of abuse is just as real and can be severely damaging to its victims. Emotional abuse can include one spouse making degrading remarks, being very controlling, or emotionally neglecting the other spouse.
The addiction of one spouse is another extreme and potentially abusive situation. In cases where one partner is in the grips of an addition to a substance, or a behavior such as gambling or sex, and if she is refusing professional help for her addiction, separation or divorce may be necessary for the protection of the spouse and children. Many spouses dealing with an addicted partner find support and suggestions on how to help the addict and themselves from the Al Anon twelve-step program. Associated with Alcoholics Anonymous, these all-volunteer organizations are in every community (check your phone book) and offer their valuable services anonymously and free of charge.
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If you are the victim of spousal abuse, your first job is to find a safe place for you and your children. Try to avoid painting the image of the other parent as a perpetrator. This can make a child distrust the sex of the offending parent. Where a mother has conditioned a daughter to see her father as “evil,” she can grow up to view all men as “evil.”
Before you make a decision to divorce your spouse, you should make at least one visit to a marriage and family therapist. Like the dentist who is trained to understand what is happening to your teeth, therapists are trained to understand the difficulties within a marriage and family. Seeking outside guidance before making such a large decision is obviously desirable, just as it is better to go to the dentist than take a pair of pliers to extract a tooth from your own mouth because it is painful.
When Just One Partner Wants a Divorce
If you feel the need to divorce your partner but he does not wish this to happen, your first step should be to reflect on whether you might be able to change your reactions to your partner's offensive behaviors. If you've tried and failed, then you must let your partner know exactly what is bothering you, and see if he can change the behavior. Often, the best way to try to effect such changes, particularly if communication between you has broken down, is through marriage therapy. Rushing into divorce is not the answer.
Better to pull out your own teeth with pliers than take on a divorce without outside guidance and counseling — especially when underage children are involved. Still, the majority of divorces occur without any sort of outside help, whether that help comes from a minister, rabbi, or licensed therapist.
Fact
According to the N CHS, the divorce rate for people with higher levels of education has fallen slightly over the past decade, while the number of divorces for those without a college degree has stayed the same. Noted author on marriage, sociologist Stephanie Coontz, attributes this difference to education giving people better communication and negotiation skills — both essential for a marriage. Coontz also pointed to studies that show a wife's work outside the home tends to stabilize a marriage.
