Divorce ends a marriage, but should it end a family? Everyone needs the safety and support of a family, and when it is torn apart by a divorce, the consequences can be disastrous. In order to minimize the damage to the children (should a divorce become necessary), conflict between Mom and Dad should be kept out of view from the rest of the family. The relationship between two married people is distinct from the relationship between a mother and a father of a family. Wise parents who need to divorce each other know that divorce does not end a family; they struggle to keep parental ties intact and continue working as a team to parent the children while they let go of their marriage.

To facilitate this, each parent should obviously refrain from telling the children her personal grievances with the other parent. Unfortunately this rarely happens as emotions spill over and, inside the emotional disruption that ensues, parents tend to complain about the other parent in front of the children. Immature parents either consciously or unconsciously wish to force the children to make choices between mother and a father. Nothing can disrupt a child's life more than siding with one parent over the other, and it's both immature and selfish for a parent to encourage this alienation between a child and his other parent. Children never want to choose. When this happens it inevitably is the result of either parent forcing this decision on the child, unless the children witness extreme abuse or neglect.

When telling children of a coming divorce it is best to have the child see her own therapist to handle the emotional disruption she is experiencing. Give as few details as you can, and only answer questions she asks. Attempt to have children remain nonjudgmental about the coming divorce. Teach them it is not their fault. Most children blame themselves when a divorce occurs. As irrational as it may seem to adults, most children of divorce are tortured with the notion that if only they had been better children, their parents would not need to split up. Whatever the situation in a family or stepfamily, divorce is never a child's fault; it is the failure of two adults to get along as husband and wife. Let your children know you will always be a father and a mother to them, that what is changing is simply the role of husband and wife. Again, the family is not divorcing; the husband and the wife are changing their roles inside the marriage, not inside their family.

After a Divorce

Once divorced, emotionally mature parents try to get along as parents and let their marriage go. This means your conversations as parents should (at first) be limited to just the children and their well-being. Sensible parents know that you never divorce a child, even if you have to divorce the child's other parent. The key to success in this difficult transition is making a distinction between your roles as husband and wife and your roles as father and mother. Healthy families navigate a divorce by understanding the different roles and never destroy the role of the other parent in the eyes of their children.

If you need to complain about your ex, never do it with the children. Find friends or seek professional guidance to grieve the loss of the marriage and release the anger of a divorce. Usually a divorce will take at least three years to heal from. Allow yourself the time to grieve, to feel angry, hurt, and disappointed, but keep this from your children. Children never want to choose between good parents … they always want their parents to get along and love each other. Sometimes it takes a divorce to accept and appreciate the other parent of your children. If you've tried many different approaches (including individual therapy, couples counseling, and a trial separation) to save the marriage and failed, perhaps the divorce was necessary. If that's the case, better to get along as Mom and Dad than hate each other as husband and wife.