The most common dynamic that therapists see in marriages when a couple is not experiencing a happy sex life is a sexually frustrated husband with a sexually resistant wife. This is not to say the roles sometimes aren't reversed, but the first scenario is much more likely to be the case.

Maybe one or both of you are overworked and not getting enough sleep. Perhaps there are young children. There are plenty of understandable reasons why it may be happening. To get from a sexual standoff to a newly revitalized sex life first requires an acknowledgment of what is going on, and then a shared intention to change the situation into something more satisfying for both partners.

The Talk

Many couples avoid it at all costs. They would rather spend the entire weekend immersed in chores, shopping, or carting the kids from place to place. They'd prefer to complain about the lack of sex in their marriage with their respective same-sex friends, even make jokes about it. They'll do anything but have a conversation with a spouse that might address what's missing in their sexuality. Why all this avoidance?

Guilt, shame, and fear, among other things. Fear that by opening the Pandora's Box of sexual dissatisfaction, he might get a rude surprise, perhaps have to listen to other complaints about how he's failing her. Or, she dreads hearing how cold and sexually unresponsive she is … when in reality she misses the physical affection she used to receive from him as much as he does.

There are two major things missing from a marriage stuck in this stalemate: sexuality and communication. In their place you'll find suppressed anger, hurt, and fear. Depending on how long the stalemate between the two has been in effect, there are also poor habits reflecting the physical and emotional distance between them, which has become the new status quo.

From the outside, this couple will appear to be bored in the marriage. They'll snap at each other and offer frequent criticisms. Very often in this tense standoff one partner will throw a grenade by having an extramarital affair. Although some may think this turn of events signals the end of the marriage, often it means the opposite: That the partners have grown tired of their stalemate and wish to begin the process of healing the marriage.

Start Inside

Whoever once said “Happiness is an inside job” had it exactly right. It's hard to feel sexually attracted to your partner if you are not feeling physically fit or content in your own body. The issue goes far beyond attractiveness. A poor self-image is the “elephant in the room” in many dysfunctional relationships. Too many marriages, and even marriage therapists, regard self-image as an off-limits topic for discussion or confrontation when attempting to deal with dysfunction in a sexual relationship.

Whether you're attempting to bring sexuality back with the help of a therapist or you're doing it on your own, the place to start is within yourself. One way to kick-start the process is to do take some steps to gently wake up your senses, beginning with you, alone. Take the time to romance yourself. Some simple exercises that will help include:

• Body relaxation. Sit or lie down on the floor or the bed. Put your attention one by one on every part of your body, commanding each to relax completely. Go from your head to your toes, taking ten or fifteen minutes to release all your tension. Count from ten to zero, for your forehead, neck, arms, pelvis, and so on until each is completely relaxed.

• A long, hot soak. Do the relaxation exercise above, then visualize yourself back in a warm fluid womb and rest there.

• Move. Take a daily walk, a run up the stairs, or dance to your favorite music

• Use positive affirmations. “I am a beautiful, zesty, sexy woman …” “I am a strong, virile man….”

• Rediscover sexual self-pleasuring. Try a vibrator, get a mirror, and lock the door

• Sensualize your environment. Light candles, get a fur rug or a new duvet, hang nudes on the walls, move the stereo into the bedroom