What are the other typical fixes offered by friends or so-called relationship experts? While diverting your sexual needs to an affair with someone else will undoubtedly produce short-term drama to heat up a marriage, it is not a long-term solution. An affair, discovered or not, can also aggravate feelings of abandonment or distrust, feelings that may be present already if your sexuality is absent or minimally present. Finally, contrary to the views of many, simply adding variety or novelty will not rescue a dying sexual relationship. Buying sexy lingerie and sex toys, trying new sexual positions, or even swinging with another couple can provide diversion and fleeting relief for sexual doldrums, but it can also produce more tension between partners, especially if one feels pressured by the other.

So, while any or all of these things can spice up the relationship if the two partners are on the same page and both wish to try something new, these novel behaviors will not substitute for the one essential step you must take if you wish to bring passion back to your relationship — that is, restoring and deepening the connection between the two of you.

Your connection must first be emotional, and for an emotional relationship to grow it must be nurtured by positive communication, expressions of appreciation, and a willingness to deal with the hard issues. A woman must feel safe and adored to be open sexually. A man must feel appreciated to be satisfied in sex and marriage. If you can nurture these feelings throughout the years you're together, you'll have a good foundation for healthy sexuality in your marriage.

For many couples, a deep connection that can sustain marriage for the long term also requires the presence of something larger than the two of you. Whether that greater thing is God or a higher power, a strong sense of community, or a devotion to serving others, passion in marriage thrives on an exchange of energy between two people that is rooted in what many call the divine.

Deepening Your Connection

What does sex have to do with spirituality and how does a connection to the divine translate into a richer sexual relationship? Sexual pleasure is one of the primary joys of being human, but it is much more than a pleasurable physical experience. In addition to the possibility of creating new life, sexuality represents the joining of two people on the most essential level of their being. Contrary to the early teachings of Christian theologians St. Augustine and St. Paul before him, the direct experience of many people over the millennia suggests that the coming together of powerful energies in sexual intercourse makes it a sacred, creative act — with or without procreation as the couple's intent.

By joining your most vulnerable self with the one you love in sacred sexuality you have the potential to give and receive human love at its most profound and productive level. As a result of this deep emotional and spiritual connection, you become a more loving, more giving, and more fulfilled person — alone and together. Using the scientific method and plain common sense, it's plain to see that sexually satisfied people are healthier and happier. A sexually fulfilled woman beams her happiness to anyone she encounters. A sexually fulfilled man greets his day with unrivaled enthusiasm.

Ancient Sexual Wisdom

Although the Christian religion historically equated sexuality and sin, several Eastern spiritual traditions (and many modern Western, Christian teachings) hold human sexuality as an aspect of the divine. Indian Tantrism and Chinese Taoism are centuries-old spiritual disciplines that integrate enlightened sexuality and spirituality as two compatible paths to a happy life and spiritual fulfillment. These traditions teach that certain conscious sexual practices permit the exchange of male (yang) and female (yin) energy. This exchange, the traditions say, is essential to meaning and balance in life and relationship. Many Western couples have discovered tantric sexuality as a way to deepen their marital connection and support each partner's spiritual growth.

Your Sex Story

Healthy sexual intimacy can be a critical healing tool for couples. However, when someone who was raised to believe his sexuality was sinful confronts sexual problems in his marriage, feelings of shame instilled early in his life can interfere with resolving sexual problems in the present — even ruining a marriage in the process. Just as you constructed the story of your relationship with money in Chapter 6, it's important to understand your sexual history, beginning in childhood. Were you taught that sexual desire outside of procreation is sinful? If the answer is yes, you are not unusual in Western culture.

Far too often, youngsters are not taught that sexuality is an important, healthy aspect of personal and spiritual growth or of a relationship. The reason for this often is that parents want children to wait to become sexual until they're emotionally mature enough to handle the powerful urges involved. So, they attempt to create a negative aura around sex, putting a taboo on all things sexual, with the result that parents achieve the exact opposite of what they intended.

Here are some statements to complete to help you put together the story of your early learning about and experiences with sexuality: