After two decades, the marriage has changed drastically and so have you and your partner. These two facts often go unnoticed in today's marriage discussion, despite the fact that so few succeed at marriage over the long haul. Part of what's missing is an understanding of the natural life cycle of a marriage and the stress points that can be expected when individual change conflicts with the changing needs of the partnership.

As a result of their survey and work with couples, David and Claudia Arp concluded that the top challenges in a long-term marriage include:

• Letting go of past marital disappointments

• Shifting back from a child focus to a partner focus

• Maintaining good communication

• Mastering conflict constructively

• Becoming better friends

• Renewing romance and sexuality

• Redefining your goals for the marriage

Each of these challenges requires you make conscious and positive responses to those natural changes that are part of the cycles of a typical long-term marriage.

If Yours Is an Empty Nest

You and your partner have just deposited your last adult child and a small truckload of his belongings at a dormitory, gave the new freshman a long hug (away from his roommates), and now find yourselves in the car driving home — but after a rush of relief you don't know what to make of the knot in your stomach that just appears to be getting tighter by the minute (and mile), your head lighter. What's going on? For one thing, part of you is aware that you and your husband are about to start a brand new chapter of your marriage full of unknowns, with many possible joys and perils.

If you're like many midlife parents who, for the first time in 18 or more years, are without children in the house, there are major adjustments to be made. No more demands or noise of the children to bother you or buffer your marital relationship. No more complicated adolescent moods to untangle — just your own complex feelings, perhaps a mix of jubilation and fear. Instead of stolen moments, you have limitless privacy. But what will you do with it? In a word, reconnect.

After sharing with your partner a well-deserved pat on the back (for your Herculean roles in successfully getting a child out of the house and onto the next phase of life), it's time to refocus your attention on the next phase of your marriage relationship. Although much attention — and undue pressure — may be put on recharging your sex life at this transition, it's far better to begin any attempt at a marital renaissance with a decision to nurture your emotional intimacy, which very often has also been stretched and neglected as you've navigated the end of adolescence, college applications, tuition, and the final sendoff of this child.

Your empty nest is both a reality and a symbol. Perhaps there's more physical room for one of you to set up a home office, take on a hobby, or create a nice guest room to have old friends come for extended visits, but beware filling this space too soon. It's easy to become distracted from the harder and perhaps long-avoided need to retrace where your emotional connection may have gotten frayed or snapped, to repair the fabric of your marriage.