The subject of the bride's surname is usually less of an issue for the newlyweds and more of a predicament for those outside your immediate circle of family and friends — folks who are caught off guard by a bride's decision to keep her maiden name and who don't hide their disapproval well.

If you're the one who's unhappy with her decision, cut her some slack. Wouldn't it seem strange to you if you were the one who was expected to suddenly take on a new identity? Tradition aside, it doesn't really matter which name your wife goes by — she's still your partner for life.

Why?

If you were thinking that your new wife would come around and see the wisdom of taking your name after the wedding — and she hasn't — you may be wondering what the big deal is. It's just a name, after all, and women have taken their husbands' names for years.

Consider these points:

Today's women often establish themselves in the business world using their maiden name and are reluctant to throw clients and customers into any sort of confusion.

The changing of the wife's name seemed much more appropriate when women stayed at home and couldn't make a move — financially or otherwise — without their husband's assistance.

With the whole gender-equality issue coming to the forefront in the past few decades, women are really questioning the fairness of the expectation to change their names.

Slow Compromise

Still not convinced that her refusal to take your name is not a reflection of her feelings for you? Some brides take their time with the name-changing process. One bride recalls her struggle with the name issue: “I kept my maiden name because as far as I was concerned, it was silly to take a new name. I had been working for years; all my contacts knew me by my maiden name, and I had experienced the confusion of name changes in the office first-hand.

“Well, my husband's family wasn't happy at all, and they weren't shy about letting me know it. About six months after we got married, I started thinking about tacking my married name onto my maiden name, but it took me much longer because my in-laws made it such a huge deal. I didn't want it to seem like I was giving in to them, because in the end, it was my decision, even though my husband kept trying to tell me that his family should be allowed to comment. I disagreed then, and I disagree now. No one was asking their son to alter his name in any way, after all.”

So here the bride has addressed two issues: First, that a combination of the two names is sometimes a suitable alternative to the traditional changing of her surname; and secondly, that the decision has to be hers, unless she asks for input.

Some grooms choose to take on a hyphenated version of their surname and their bride's. When children come along (if they do), they'll have the identity of both parents, which is something children of past generations never had. Meanwhile, you and the bride have made an equal concession — and gained an equal share — in the name game.