You've got to come up with a list of people you'd like to see at your wedding. More correctly, you've got to come up with a list of folks who should be invited. You have about fifteen people you're planning on inviting, so you've written down their names and you're all done with this task. Oh, no, you're not.

Call Your Mother

Not just to tell her that you love her, but to ask her which relatives should be invited and which shouldn't. By this time, you and your bride (or your bride and her mother) will have come up with a head count and you'll be able to give your mom a roundabout number to shoot for. Don't beat around the bush here, either. If your half of the guest list allows for one hundred guests, give you mother this very specific limit with which to work. Your mother will also be an invaluable help in gathering up the addresses of family friends and relatives. There are a couple of ways to determine how many guests your family will be allowed to invite. If the bride's family is paying for the reception, they'll probably give you a number. Hopefully, they will be fair about it. If you and your bride are paying, you can take the capacity of the reception hall and divide it three ways: her family's guests; your family's guests; and the guests that you and your bride intend to invite.

The Agony of Family

Unfortunately, in families where there's been a nasty divorce (and remarriages), the guest list is sometimes harder to nail down. Give your mother a third of your family's seats and your father another third and save a third for the guests you're inviting. If you need to save half of the seats for your own guests, give your parents each a quarter of the total number of seats. Divide it up however you need to — just be sure that each parent gets an equal share. That way, you can't be accused of playing favorites, and it's really out of your hands. Both parties will be responsible for furnishing you with names and addresses by a certain date; if the deadline isn't met, you can't guarantee those seats for that parent. (You don't want fifty empty seats at your reception just because one parent didn't bother with the guest list — especially if the other parent wanted to fill those seats.)

Who's In, Who's Out

Your mother's boyfriend wants to invite his kids, none of whom you've ever met. Your dad's new wife is inviting her family in the place of your own aunts and uncles. Can you put your foot down? Absolutely. It's your wedding. If you see the guest list going awry in the hands of your parents, speak up. You're giving these spaces to them, trusting them to use them wisely. It's not an open party; if the guest list is being filled with people you don't know, nix them right then and there.

Your officiant is invited, as are the parents of your attendants, and the attendants themselves. They should all receive formal invitations in the mail, even though they know darn well that they're on the guest list.

Coworkers are also iffy, especially if you work in a small environment, and if you fear offending half the office by not inviting them. One solution (though you won't find it in any etiquette books) is to invite those who won't be receiving formal invitations to join you for dancing and drinks later in the evening. It's not quite as good as being invited for dinner, but you're trying to include them, and that's the most important thing. Tell them they absolutely should not bring a gift; they should just show up and cut a rug.

Guests of Guests?

Time was, inviting single guests was a breeze. They were either married (or engaged), or they weren't, and that was all the informal distinction anyone needed, at least in terms of excluding a guest's guest. These days, of course, so many couples are living together — but not necessarily officially engaged — that there seems to be no distinction; there's just a gray area where before there were clearly drawn lines.

The predominant etiquette on this topic says that if a guest is married or otherwise seriously involved in a relationship, you must invite both of them. However, this does not mean that you have to let your single friend who dates a different guy every week bring the flavor-of-the-week to your wedding.