You know you shouldn't ask her to marry you when her life is in total upheaval. (You do know that, don't you?) But should you ask her before she leaves on her year-long transfer to Europe, or after? If you know there's no chance of the two of you tying the knot for at least another two years, should you wait until the right time approaches? What are the benefits and drawbacks to long engagements?

Her House Just Burned Down …

She's also been fired, oh, and her dog died, too. Don't ask her to marry you now. The best thing you can do for your girlfriend when her life is falling apart is stick with her through it. Look at puppies with her; help her find work; pick through the ashes of her building with her — but hold on to the ring for now.

Don't spring a proposal on her if her life is in turmoil. A woman in crisis is not in any position to pledge her life to you. She's just trying to get through each day as it comes. Eventually the smoke will clear (no pun intended) and the right time for a proposal will present itself.

Bon Voyage, My Love!

One of you is leaving town, either temporarily or for good. If you weren't thinking about marriage before you reserved the moving van, think twice before asking her to marry you on a whim, as you're pulling away from the curb.

Again, this is a big life upheaval. You're going to miss each other desperately, and it's understandable that you want to have some sort of commitment before you say goodbye. However, a proposal coming solely on the heels of an out-of-town transfer is going to seem suspect — as though you need to be engaged simply because of a lack of trust or as a way to hold on to one another.

Benefits of a Long Engagement

If you do decide to have a long engagement (a year or more), you will almost certainly be able to book your first choice of church, reception hall, caterer, and other wedding vendors. And there's more good news: You'll also be giving yourself enough time to save your money so you can pay for your wedding (mostly) in cash, instead of running up big credit card bills or having to scale back on things you really want for your wedding, as you might have to if you were getting married on shorter notice.

A long engagement allows you to work out issues in your marriage before you come face-to-face with them. For example, are you going to have children? How many? Will you both continue to work after you have kids, or will one of you stay home? Whose money is going to pay for what? And who's going to be responsible for cooking and cleaning?

Marry Me Now!

Asking her to meet you at the altar a month from now is kind of short notice, but consider the benefits: You won't have to meet with twenty different caterers; you won't have to discuss color schemes and table linens for six months; and you won't have to deal with endless questions from the masses (e.g., “You're still engaged? When's the big day? That's a long time off, isn't it?”)

In addition, quick engagements are incredibly romantic. There's simply not enough time to get fed up with the whole wedding scene, so you're focused only on each other (and not on whether the dress shop used the correct stitching on the bridesmaids' dresses).