Way back when, bachelor parties were held the night before the wedding. Why, you ask? You're just going to knock back a few brews with the boys … or so you think. Little do you know what the boys have planned for you.

When

Do not let your pals talk you into going out with them the night before the wedding. Do not leave the rehearsal dinner to go down to the corner bar with them; don't tell your bride that you're all going to the movies. Your intentions may be pure enough, but there's bound to be one pal in the bunch who wants to see you completely trashed on the eve of your wedding. For him, it's sport. You're just the prey.

Why

Why? Why, you ask, can't you go out with the boys for one last hurrah the night before you say, “I do”?

There are so many reasons. The biggest two are because your bride has spent years dreaming of this day; and the two of you have spent many months and many dollars planning the Perfect Wedding. If you dare to show up at the church incoherent, nauseated, and shaking so badly from the effects of all those shots you drank the night before, your bride will kill you. (This is not an exaggeration — she may literally try to take your life, or at the very least, she may make you wish that she would end it.)

The bride, however, will only be the first in a long line of Groom Haters on your wedding day should you choose to stagger toward the altar with the scent of booze hanging around you like a skunk's odor. The bride's mother and father will be livid; the preacher won't hide his disgust (and could actually postpone the nuptials if there's any doubt as to your ability to consent to the marriage); bridesmaids will curse you; and from there, various guests will line up to tell you how immature and irresponsible you are.

Or, more likely, they'll tell each other, and you'll go down in family history as “Susie's Jerk Husband — the one who showed up drunk at the church, remember?”

Where?

Anywhere, really. Though big bachelor parties are often held in bars or in rented halls, you can have a smaller party at a friend's house. Another popular option is to put the party on wheels. Renting a limo for the night kills two birds with one stone: Your transportation is taken care of, and the party is wherever the men decide to take it.

If you're planning on bringing the party to a restaurant, call ahead and check with the management to make sure they can accommodate (and will welcome) your entire group.

Another idea, if your party is on the small side, is to rent a suite in a posh hotel — you can spend your pre-and post-party hours there, or you can spend the entire evening. Just keep in mind that you men are not, in fact, rock stars, and trashing a luxurious hotel room is a very costly mistake — one that you won't make twice.

What?

If you're a novice at this bachelor party thing, you might wonder what all the fuss is about. Geez Louise, can't a few guys get together before a wedding and pass some time without risking their reputations? Hmm … no.

Even if you've never been to a bachelor party, your friends have. And if they haven't, they'll be looking for information — in books, on the Internet, from other friends. They're going to be left with the idea that all bachelor parties must include:

Strippers. Many, many strippers, in fact.

Drinking. To the point of unconsciousness.

Gambling. Poker in the basement, or a trip to the casino, or betting on who throws up first.

Pornographic materials. In the form of blow-up dolls, magazines, movies, etc.

Humiliating the groom. That's you, Guy. Read the items on this list again and use your imagination.

Not your bag? Speak up now — or go along for the ride. Contrary to popular opinion, your bachelor party does not have to take place in a bar or in a topless dance club. In that same vein, your bachelor party does not have to follow the standard formula of drinking to excess and watching topless dancers for hours on end. It's your party; if you don't like the direction the planning is taking, do some planning of your own. The end of this chapter has some ideas for alternatives to the traditional stag.