Basic Assumptions of This Book
Every book or author has a point of view, a set of basic assumptions underlying the principles and practices the author writes about. We all bring our personal history, education, and experiences to the table when we speak or write. The first and foremost assumption in this book is that life is a precious gift that each person is entrusted with at birth. You are given a body, a mind, and a set of resources and limitations to work with. It is up to you to use what you have to make the most of what you have been given. The purpose of life is self-realization — to realize your true nature and potential.
How Is That Related to Sex?Sex is a vital aspect of life that can result in both new life and in a profound experience of oneness between partners. As such, it holds the potential for allowing you to partake in the divine nature of creativity, which includes both procreation (birthing a child) and co-creation (birthing new ideas, products, services, or works of art). Sex can also be a great source of pleasure, joy, and fun!
The experiences of a lifetime are the curriculum that allow you to learn about your true nature and develop your innate gifts and talents. If life is a school, Sex and Intimate Relationships is the advanced course. If you welcome these lessons as opportunities to learn about yourself and expand your capacity to deal creatively with life, then you will feel happy most of the time.
Life operates on the principle of mutual benefit. A relationship is a living system, and as such it is a good place to experience this principle. The more high-quality attention you put into your relationship, the more high-quality benefits you will derive from it.
If you want to have an intimate relationship, not a superficial one, complete honesty is necessary. If you keep secrets from your partner, you are affirming that you cannot trust that this person has your best interests at heart. If you do not trust a person in this way, ask yourself, “Why would I want to have sex with this person?” If mistrust is present, it's a good idea to be honest about this. Often, honest communication reveals your own projections, baggage, or recurrent fears held over from childhood. Expressing them honestly can allow you to get over them.
Your feelings of mistrust may reveal more about you than about your partner. This is one reason it's good to share what you feel and think — so you can discover the hidden layers of truth about yourself that may underlie your feelings about your partner. Sometimes fears about telling the truth are based on false beliefs learned in childhood. Now that you are an adult, it's time to update your beliefs about what is really safe and what is really dangerous.
Risk-Taking Leads to ConfidenceIf you fear doing something that you really want to do, it is usually a good idea to go ahead and take the risk. You may want to pause and honestly assess the risk before doing so, but more often than not, the risk will turn out to be more about damage to your ego than to your physical or emotional well-being. Most interpersonal risks are not life threatening. Remember that fear is not a sign to turn back but rather a sign that you are moving into unknown territory. If you take the risk and survive, which you probably will even if it doesn't turn out as you'd hoped, your confidence will grow.
You Are ResponsibleYou are responsible for your own experience. Whatever you feel or think about another person is a mirror of where you are. If someone does something that upsets you, you are responsible for your feelings of being upset. Likewise, when you feel satisfied with something your partner did, you are responsible for that, too. The other person does not make you happy. Likewise, he does not make you upset.
Your lover or partner is not responsible for your pleasure. You are. Learning about your own body — what you like, how you respond, and how to ask for what you want — are essential skills for great sex. Blaming your lover for not giving you orgasms or not doing it right will get you nowhere. Empower yourself to learn the skills to ask for what you want in a straightforward, loving, and truthful way.
Pleasure Is Your BirthrightOur bodies are pleasure instruments that need to be played to stay in tune. Why would nature have given you erogenous zones if you weren't meant to do something with them? By learning to play that instrument, you train your body to receive great amounts of pleasure. When you know how to receive, your view of the world changes. You begin to see the world as benevolent and trustworthy. Then you give that energy back to the people in your life.
