Even when you're first falling in love, you are probably aware, in theory, of the fact that you will not meet your partner's every need. Theory is one thing, but hearing your partner say they want to go somewhere with a special friend instead of with you — well, that might not be so easy to accept. Has this happened to you? If it has not, be prepared, for it probably will.

If it never happens, your relationship is not very mature. You're probably still babying each other or the relationship, treating it as too fragile to handle such conflicts. In any relationship, there will be things one partner wants to do that do not include the other person. If you try to avoid mentioning such things to avoid causing discomfort, then you will not progress very far in your journey as a couple.

Sure, it can hurt to hear your partner say that she would rather be with someone else, or alone, than with you. It hurts, but it's good for you, in the sense that by facing the truth — that you do not meet each other's every need — you also grow in your ability to handle life as it is.

Learning to Accept Differences

Here is an exercise to try with your partner:

• First, each of you should make your own list of all the things you love to do.

• In the left-hand column next to each item, write A (for things you prefer to do alone), Y (for things you prefer to do with your partner), and O (for things you like to do best with someone other than your partner).

• Now share your lists and talk about your feelings. As you share feelings, be sure and start with the words “I feel.” Using these statements will prevent you from attacking, blaming, or judging your partner.

After doing this exercise, give yourselves credit for taking on the challenge of being honest about difficult things. Being honest about your needs for separate space will bring you to a deeper level of intimacy and trust — trust that is no longer seen in terms of “I trust you to never hurt me” (which is unrealistic), but rather in the following way: “I trust myself to be able to handle whatever feelings come up between us. I trust that if you do something that hurts me, I will talk with you about it. And I trust that you and I together can listen to each other's feelings nondefensively so we can get to forgiveness.” This is a real, mature relationship.