If you want to have great sex and experience intimacy, a willingness to be sexually vulnerable is a must. Most people protect themselves when they are around other people. This is true even in sex. We tend to be wary of others hurting us, so we keep a layer of protection around our hearts just in case. Then, if a partner does something that we associate with rejection, criticism, or any of our other favorite fears, we say, “I knew it! I knew this would happen! It's a good thing I didn't let myself get completely vulnerable — because then, I'd be even more hurt.”

Opening up to your partner is an act of great trust. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself if you want to heal your old wounds and realize that you can trust yourself to deal with whatever happens to you.

Being openly vulnerable can also help you see that the pain another person's behavior triggers in you tells you that you still need to heal in yourself. Pain is not necessarily bad; it can reveal to you the areas in your unconscious belief structure that need to be updated. It shows you where you need to focus in your journey toward wholeness.

What are your areas of potential vulnerability with respect to sex and lovemaking? For many people, the idea of asking for what they want is the big one. You heard about one way of dealing with this fear in the example of Lila and Steve. Another way is to simply ask for what you want while feeling your fear, but not explicitly speaking about it. Experiment with both approaches. Sometimes one way will be more real for you, and at other times the other way will feel better.

Let Go of Your Fears and Inhibition

There are other ways of being sexually vulnerable. Just allowing your partner to see exactly what you are thinking and feeling is a wonderful gift — to both of you. Some people are afraid of not looking good when they are in the heat of passion. If you have this fear, talk to your partner about it. It is very likely you will be reassured to know that most people feel honored to be trusted with that level of vulnerability from someone they love.

Other ways to practice being open and vulnerable are:

• Look into each other's eyes while in the heat of passion.

• Tell your partner exactly how something that she is doing feels.

• Let your partner know when you are feeling unsatisfied or when you are in a state of longing for more closeness (without blaming your partner for your feeling).

• Ask your partner for feedback about what you are doing to pleasure her (with an attitude of sincerely wanting to please).