The intimate journey of two people toward wholeness will inevitably involve differences and conflict about these differences. Communicating openly about these differences can feel scary, and that's normal. But open communication can also lead to an actual expansion of each individual's sense of the self, resulting in a deeper sense of unity, not only with each other, but with all of life as well. To illustrate how this happens, here is a true story of a couple conflicted about the issue of whether to continue their monogamous relationship or to switch to a more open lifestyle.

Paula is fifty. Paul is forty-six. They have been married for ten years; this is the second marriage for both. When they first got together, they agreed to be monogamous, but now things have changed. Paul believes he has only a few good years left in terms of his sexual vitality. He has had four sexual partners in his life, and he's feeling a need to experiment with other lovers.

He also has the idea that being monogamous is killing his passion and his sense of vitality as a man. He sincerely believes that it is dishonest for him to pretend to be satisfied with just one sex partner. He loves Paula and enjoys what the two of them have together, but he keeps noticing his sexual attention being drawn toward other women.

Paula is beside herself with grief and anger. She wants to stay monogamous. She believes that sex is a sacred act, and she has not had any desire to be with other sex partners.

As a result, the couple is at an impasse. Paul feels strongly that he cannot be true to himself and stay monogamous. He also feels genuine empathy for Paula. It hurts him to see her in pain. Paula imagines that if Paul has sex with other women, she will not be able to be as open and vulnerable with him. She trusts what Paul says about himself — that he feels dishonest pretending to want to be monogamous. She wants Paul to have what he wants, and, at the same time, she thinks she'd be untrue to herself staying in a nonmonogamous relationship.

What Would You Do?

If you were Paul or Paula, can you imagine how you might experience such a predicament? Can you imagine feeling two contradictory things at once: the wish to have what you want alongside the wish for your partner to have what she wants? This is often what it feels like to hold differences. It's like being in an unresolved predicament without knowing if there will be a resolution.

A Good Resolution

In Paul and Paula's case, they stayed with their pain and uncertainty for about six months. Then they both stated that they felt a sense of ego transcendence. Paul discovered that his need for other lovers was actually connected to some unresolved anger at both Paula and at his mother. After he was able to express his anger to both of them and to get over it, here's what Paul had to say about the experience: “What I thought I needed for my survival doesn't seem so crucial now.” Paula also got a deeper look at herself after staying with her pain. She remembered a time early in the marriage when Paul broke one of his agreements with her — an agreement that had to do with money, not sex. After she cleared this up with Paul, by expressing her resentment, she then saw that breaking agreements had been a trigger for her all her life. She did some crying and grieving for some of the disappointments she had felt as a child. Afterward, she was finally free enough of old baggage to say truthfully, “I feel a lot safer, like my security doesn't depend on other people, like I'll be okay if the relationship ends, even though I still very much want to be with Paul.”

Outcomes like this often feel magical or unbelievable to the people involved — when they consider where they were before they got unstuck. For so many, just staying in the impasse, holding their differences for a period of time, produces an inner expansion or transformation that enables them to experience a deeper level of what's real for each of them.