Dealing with Fears of Intimacy
Everyone has one or two favorite fears. For some people one is rejection. For others, it's abandonment or betrayal. Then there's the fear of being misunderstood or not being heard, and, of course, the old standby, being smothered or controlled. These fears originate in childhood, but even when we become adults, fears have a way of finding their way into the bedroom.
An intimate sexual relationship can provide a safe place to uncover and own up to your fears. While this might not sound like much fun, it is very valuable. When you can admit and speak about your fears to your partner, this is a big first step toward healing whatever early wounding led to the fear in the first place.
Here is an example: When Lila was a little girl, her mother ignored her when she cried loudly for what she wanted. As a result, Lila came to the unfortunate conclusion that it wasn't safe to ask for what she wanted. Now, in bed with Steve, she is hoping he'll stroke her head as part of their foreplay. But she can't force herself to ask, because she is afraid he will just ignore her. Instead, she attempts to override her desire and just enjoy the feeling of Steve's hands on other parts of her body.
The only trouble is, Lila isn't really able to push her real desire out of her thoughts and cannot be fully present to enjoy Steve's touch. She's in her head, worrying about what to do, rather than in her body, enjoying this present moment with her lover. When you have a feeling that you try to push away, it usually won't go. This is especially true if the feeling is related to a childhood-based fear that needs to be addressed and healed.
Conquer Your FearIf you find yourself in a situation similar to Lila's, first gently remind yourself that the beliefs you learned in childhood about what is and isn't safe are not true. That was then, and this is now. When you were little and dependent, it was indeed scary if you asked for something and got ignored. As a child you were totally dependent on the adults around you for your very survival. Now you are a self-supporting adult.
If Lila asks Steve to stroke her head and he ignores her, or if he does it but not the way she really likes, she will survive. So the idea that it's not safe to ask for what you want is an old, outdated belief that she now has the opportunity to heal or outgrow. If she asks and doesn't get what she wants, at least her asking gets her back into the present time with herself and her lover.
The healing comes not so much from asking and getting, but from asking and finding out that just the act of asking is an act of affirming yourself. Becoming self-validating or self-affirming is what adults do. Waiting for someone else to make you happy is what children do.
If you decide to take the risk and ask for what you want, it's often a good idea to mention that you are feeling some fear associated with asking — that you are feeling tentative and vulnerable due to old fears in your mind. Letting your partner know that your fears are about you and not him can help him not to take your feelings personally.
Voice Your ConcernsHere is how an intimate request like this might go: “I'm feeling very close to you, and I'm also feeling that I want to ask you to touch me in a particular way … but I'm afraid to ask. I know this fear is something very old, something I've always had, long before you and I met. So what I want is for you to stroke my head just like you were doing last night while we were watching TV. It always feels so special when you do that for me.”
Mentioning your fear out loud also helps you accept yourself just as you are. And it helps you take your fear less seriously and get over it. After expressing a feeling, the feeling usually changes. Funny how that works!
