This exercise is both sensually fun and a good learning experience. It should be done with a partner, and you should expect to devote one hour for each person. Keep it light and see what you can discover about your partner and yourself.

This is a practice in sensual touch and will be accompanied by a simple but powerful communication technique. Essentially, you will be asking for different kinds of touch. This will be a practice in learning what you like, how to ask for it, and training your partner in what you want.

This is an activity you can come back to more than once; each time, you can be more detailed and precise. Practicing clear communication in this fun way will help in those times when it's more difficult to communicate.

Feeling worthy of asking for intimacy and having someone honor that request is difficult for many of us. But what you discover is that when you do bring a little more humility and vulnerability into your life, your partner will see more beauty in you than ever before. When you reveal yourself in new ways, you are saying, “I trust you, and I am entrusting my most vulnerable self to you.” That kind of thing is irresistible — even if it is a bit new and awkward. Think of awkwardness as a sign of innocence, a signal that you and your lover are entering uncharted territory together. This is the kind of thing that keeps love alive and fresh.

Let's Begin

To begin the exercise, set the scene by lighting a few strategically placed candles. Scent the room, decorate it with flowers, and have massage oil and something to drink ready for your use. Make sure the room is warm. When you're ready, proceed as follows:

1. Make a positive statement about the touch you are currently receiving. Keep it simple. “I love the way you look at me when you touch me.” Or, “I love the way your fingertips feel on my face.”

2. Ask for a change. Keep this simple, too. “Would you please use a little more pressure?” Or, “Would you try that a little faster to see how it feels?”

3. When your partner responds, give thanks: “Mmmm … that's great.” Anything in a positive tone will do. That doesn't mean you necessarily liked the change. It is okay to say: “Wow. I thought I'd like that, but I was wrong. Thank you for helping me learn that about myself.”

Difficulties in Communication

If your partner seems reluctant to communicate, use positive messages to encourage speaking. Ask a multiple-choice question such as, “Would you like me to do this a little harder or softer?” If you're the one who is shier about speaking up, try to find the courage to ask for your partner's encouragement. You might say, for example, “Do you really want to hear what I like? If you do, I'd like you to remind me of that now and then.”

Here are some questions to see how you did with this exercise:

• How did this experience make you feel?

• What did you notice about your breathing?

• Were you able to take the focused time that your lover offered and enjoy it?

• Was it hard to receive that much time and energy from your lover?

• Did you get nervous and want to “give back” before your receiving time was over?

Each time you practice this exercise, check back with these questions to see if your responses have changed.