Men and women are supposed to be good at sex, yet we live in a culture that hides sexuality or confuses it with symbols of power or powerlessness. A society like ours does not educate its young adults in how to honor and love their own bodies. With rare exceptions, every young person must either reinvent the wheel or overcome huge prejudices in order to learn about sexuality and sensuality.

Inability to experience orgasm is a frustrating problem that directly affects women's self-esteem and relationships. To add insult to injury, many men ejaculate before their partner is even warmed up! These obstacles can frustrate couples so much that they decide sex isn't worth it.

The Keys to Great Pleasure

Don't get stressed out by your quest to achieve the perfect orgasm. Trust that with love, practice, and playful innocence you can begin to have the kinds of sexual experiences you always dreamed of. The following list summarizes the basic ingredients for expanding the capacity to orgasm:

• Learn to relax. Take hot baths at quiet times. Take time for yourself. Go away for the weekend to a spa all by yourself.

• Become an excellent breather.

• Stay conscious during sex; don't drift away.

• Learn to meditate. It will help you learn to focus your attention.

• Know your body and what you like.

• Make noise. Sound helps your partner know what you like, and it helps you let go into a deeper experience.

• Do your Kegel exercises.

Notice that there isn't anything on this list that even hints at technique. While speed, timing, placement, and new techniques are wonderful, they won't help you focus and expand into the pleasure. Personal mastery over the domain of your mind and body will.

Staying Conscious and Aware

Eye gazing with your partner will put you in full awareness and bring you to the present with your lover. Leaving the lights on or lighting candles during sex and keeping your eyes open is the best way to bond with your partner. When we are fully available and open to being seen, our capacity for merging and orgasm goes way up. Once you get used to relating in this way, you won't want to go back to the dark.

Learn to Meditate

What does meditation have to do with great sex? It helps us learn to focus our attention. One of the main things that gets in the way of the orgasmic response in women is worrying. We can't get the kids, bills, phone calls, groceries, business, and so much more off our minds. Meditation for as little as twenty minutes three times a week will give you a wonderful new tool to draw on for relaxation and focus.

Do Your Kegel Exercises

It can't be emphasized enough — both men and women need to strengthen their PC muscles and use them! Once you're good at doing Kegels, you will actually be able to turn yourself on! You can do up to 200 at a time in just five to ten minutes, and it can be done anytime and anywhere — while you're driving, sitting at your desk, in a meeting … you get the picture.

Kegel exercises facilitate the flow of blood to your genitals and they keep your pelvic floor muscles healthy. If you do these twice a day, you will notice a difference. See Chapter 5 to review how Kegel exercises are done.

Unlearning Old Habits

It can be very difficult for some women to open their legs into wide positions. The vulnerability of exposing their genitals to be seen, touched, and honored can be a lot to handle. But if you bring a gentle will, a playful and loving heart, and a little patience to the practice, you can reap the benefits of expanding your orgasmic capabilities. Unlearning old habits is always hard but usually worth the work and focus.