Connecting with Her Sexual Essence

It has been said that if sex works for the woman, it works for the man. Many of the tantric and other ancient practices described in this book offer ways that allow the woman's response to guide the way for both partners.

Foreplay Revisited: Don't Rush It

If the woman is not enjoying sex as much as you both would like, the first place to look to remedy that situation is foreplay. The same old foreplay routine can often feel boring for the man. But if that's what she likes, it will behoove you to learn to tune in to her needs rather than viewing it as simply servicing her.

When two people feel connected, when they are tuned in to each other, boredom disappears. A woman can help her man tune in to her by giving him verbal and nonverbal feedback about how he's doing. Most men report that they'd like a lot more feedback from their partner about what feels good.

Moaning and making other sounds are one good way to do this. Chapter 11 recommends using breath and sound — both as a way to help your partner know where you are and as a way to enhance your own responsiveness.

Communicating Wants

Many women are shy about asking for what they want. If this is true in your partnership, it's good to talk about this outside the bedroom. First talk about her fears — what she's afraid will happen if she were more expressive. Then talk about what she wants. It's the old “feel the fear, and do it anyway” principle. Fear is a fact of life. Don't let it limit you too much.

If the man wishes to help the woman express herself more freely, he can use some of the communication practices from Chapters 4 and 17. One of the techniques that helps a lot is to give her a multiple-choice question to answer, such as, “Would you rather have me do this with more pressure or less?” With this type of question, a woman who is afraid of hurting the man's ego, or even one who doesn't know what she wants, can be helped to accept and reveal her preferences.

Trying New Positions

The position that works best for the man is often not the woman's favorite position, and vice versa, so please don't allow yourselves to gravitate to the man's favorite if he happens to be the one who is clearer about his wants.

This may cause the woman to yield in ways that are not in the best interests of great mutual sex. So, even if you have gotten into a pretty good routine together, don't assume that things could not get even better. Keep experimenting with new positions.

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