Talking to Your Children
One of the hardest things about secondary infertility can be dealing with your current child (or children). He or she may ask you in a very innocent manner why he does not have brothers or sisters. He may tell you that this is his deepest desire — to be a sibling.
What you decide to tell your child will depend on what you feel comfortable in sharing. It will also depend a lot on the age of the child. Be sure to find out what he or she is specifically asking when addressing a question. Usually a brief answer is all that is needed.
Be honest about any conversations your child hears. It may scare him to hear you and your husband whispering about tests, blood, and doctors all the time. He may make up his own theories if you don't provide him with the help. He may believe that someone he loves, like you or daddy, is sick or dying.
You might explain to him that the doctor's appointments and treatments are for you and daddy. Offer that these tests and treatments are to try to help you have a baby. This is usually all your child needs to know to feel better about the situation.
It can be hard to keep a normal schedule that your children are used to when trying to make it to early morning appointments or when you have to be at certain places for medications at certain times. Do what you feel is best for your child. This may mean finding someone to watch your child early in the morning in your home while you have early appointments. This can ease his fears, particularly if it is someone that he knows and loves.
Your child may wonder why you are obsessed with having a new baby. He may wonder if he is not good enough for you. Remember to reassure him that he is everything you need. Explain that you want to give him the gift of a sibling.
The wonderful thing about children is that they have an innate ability to provide you with unconditional love and affection. This is true even when you are hurting and feel like you are unable to provide the same level of love and affection back. Try to remember that while you are hurting, your child does understand this on some level and will try to compensate for that. So while it is perfectly acceptable to send messages like, “I'm hurting and need to feel sad,” you should avoid overburdening your child with your fertility issues and feelings of grief or guilt.
The desire to add another child to your family can be very strong. When you are unable to do this as easily as you were the first time, it may leave you with conflicting feelings. Since you already have a child you may find it difficult to fit into a peer group of other infertile women and men to find support. It is important to find support wherever you can. Be sure to explain to family and friends what you need from them, even if it is, simply, “nothing.”