If you've merely been the figurehead of the household (your wife is really running the show, although she occasionally yields to you on some issues that she doesn't want to deal with, and the kids know that she's the one to ask for, well, anything), it may seem strange to you that your future son-in-law would want your blessing to marry your daughter. After all, she's pretty much done what she's wanted all of her life; why should anything change now?

On the flip side, if you've been very close to your daughter and very involved in her life, you might require that this young man come to you on bended knee to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. And you have no intention of giving it easily.

Whatever your position in the family, your daughter's beau may request your permission to marry her, especially if your daughter is a fairly traditional type of girl. If she's a firm believer in this particular tradition, she'll instruct her boyfriend on how to proceed with you; on the other hand, if she thinks this custom is a bunch of hooey, she'll simply come home one day and announce her engagement.

You might come from a generation or a family that didn't believe in this particular custom. You might just think it's a formality, and no matter what you say, she's going to marry this guy anyway, so what's the point?

The point is that this little conversation is the perfect time to have any of your questions answered. So if you don't have any right now and you sense that this little chat is on the horizon, come up with a few, for kicks if for nothing else. This young man will have worked up his courage to come and address this topic with you — make it worth his while.

Get Down to It

You might have some very valid concerns about this man's plans for the future. If, for example, he's still a student and your daughter is going to support him throughout the remainder of his schooling, you have every right to ask how he's going to return the favor once he's out of the academic world. (Will she have to continue working sixty hours a week for the next ten years to pay off his student loans? Does he plan on going on for another degree after he finishes this one? In the end, are these useful, money-earning degrees, or will the two of them struggle to make ends meet for the next fifty years?)

If you're getting answers that disturb you (he's telling you, for example, that even though they're broke, they're going to have a family right away, and they figure that down the road, everything will take care of itself), you're right to voice your concerns. You do have a lot of life experience, after all, and you might just be the voice of reason to this man who may not have anyone else to look to for advice.

Do the Numbers — Nicely

You may have already laid out a financial plan for the future with your daughter. Feel free to do the same with the man who wants to marry her. Run down the list of life expenses with him: housing, food, transportation, utilities, loans. Since he came to you to ask for your permission, you're within your rights to withhold that permission until you're 100 percent sure that he can support your daughter after the wedding. That's part of the conversation.

There's a fine line, though, between making this inquiry and implying that he has a really crappy job and that he'll never amount to much. Some fathers cross that line without even realizing it. Assuming you don't want to alienate this man from the get-go, tread lightly here. Making him feel worthless simply because he isn't at the comfortable stage of life you're at right now isn't helpful; it's just mean.

You Don't Approve?

Most fathers will find themselves having this conversation with a young man they've known for some time, and they will, in fact, have been expecting to have this talk sooner or later. But what happens if you're hit with the question out of the blue and you honestly think it's a mistake for this young man and your daughter to get married?

That depends on you — and on your reasoning. If you don't like the way he dresses, that's not a good enough reason to withhold your blessing. If he's a criminal, on the other hand, you have carte blanche to speak now instead of forever holding your peace.

In the end, though, you have to realize that your daughter is an adult, and if she wants to marry him, she will. You can't lock her in her room until he just disappears one day. If you come right out and tell this man that you think he's not ready for this commitment, or that he's completely wrong for your little girl, you run the risk of being the bad guy for as long as you all shall live.

Does this mean you have to give your blessing no matter what the circumstances? No. Just keep in mind that there are different ways to not give your blessing — you can rant and rave and throw the guy out of the house, or you can be calm and diplomatic and discuss the possibility of waiting a year or two before he and your daughter take the trip down the aisle, with the hope that either the things that you're so concerned about improve or the relationship completely falls apart by that time.

He Never Asked?!

You've been waiting for your daughter's boyfriend to come to you and ask for her hand in marriage. You've been patient. You have a little mental list of your questions and concerns to address with the young man when the time comes…and then the two of them walk through the door to announce their engagement! Well, they can't be engaged if you didn't give them the green light, and now you never will, you've decided. So there.

Hang on. Your nose might be out of joint, but there's nothing malicious afoot. Men are less likely to follow tradition without some sort of prodding. If this young man never received any guidance in this area (from his parents, his brothers, or his friends) and especially if your daughter never raised the issue with him, he may well have simply overlooked this step. It isn't a reflection of his feelings for you (he doesn't think that your opinion is worthless, in other words). He just hasn't been schooled in engagement etiquette.

Try not to make this about your hurt feelings. When your daughter is showing off her engagement ring for the first time, don't make a big stink about the fact that no one asked you how you felt about this. Let them have this time for themselves. They'll still be engaged a few weeks from now, and that's when you can bring up the important matters of how they're going to support themselves and when they plan on saying “I do.” Be a good guy and hold your tongue for just a little while.