Your Ex
You kissed your wife goodbye many, many moons ago, and you never regretted the decision. You've both been much happier in the years since, and in fact, if you didn't have a daughter in common, you would never think about the woman at all. Now that your child is getting married, you've been forced to consider your former wife, and her new husband, and your former in-laws…and whether all of you can come together peacefully.
Be a Big Person
No matter what went on between you and your ex, you have to leave it in the past for now. If there are still legal issues dragging on and on (and on), it's going to be very difficult, to say the least, and this will probably be the ultimate test of your emotional strength. If you're having a hard time being anywhere near the woman, be frank with your daughter — but be careful not to put her in a tough spot. She's already been through the wringer of your divorce, and she's on precarious emotional ground as a bride, anyway.
Asking your daughter not to schedule wedding-planning meetings that necessitate the presence of both you and her mother is well within your limits. Requesting that the two of you not be seated at the same table during the reception is all right, too — as long as you don't follow up your request with a thirty-minute diatribe against old Mom.
Now, if your divorce was amicable and the two of you are old chums at this point, your daughter will proceed with the planning as she sees fit. If you're somewhere in the middle, your daughter will greatly appreciate your making the effort to be pleasant to one another.
ALERT!
Don't even think about badmouthing the bride's mother, as this will only make you look petty and inconsiderate. This is about your daughter and her wedding; your issues with her mom aren't something that she should hear about in great detail at any time, and especially not now.
You're Out; Mom's In
Regardless of how close you are to your daughter, you may find yourself on the outside of the wedding-planning extravaganza if you've been divorced from her mother. It's just natural for a girl to want (and need) her mom around her at this time, and you might have a very hard time jockeying for space alongside the bride.
You're hurt, and you have every right to be — don't you? Well…yes and no. Your daughter isn't intentionally trying to make you feel bad, and that should count for something.
It's likely that she's depending on her mother more than you at this point because — political correctness aside — mothers and daughters are more apt to get excited about making themselves pretty and planning a lavish party, while dads are often
FACT
Your daughter needs someone who's genuinely interested in dress shopping and discussing the merits of strapless bras and slingback high heels to help her right now; chances are, her mother fits that bill better than you do.
So try not to think of it in terms of whom your daughter loves best, because
New Guy in Town
So your ex-wife has herself a new husband — or one that's been around for years. Regardless of his tenure, he's there, and now that this wedding has popped up, you have to deal with the guy — somehow. Whether you actually acknowledge his presence or not, you're making a statement about your state of mind and how big of a person you're willing to be.
Understandably, there are circumstances that can't be forgiven or forgotten. If this new guy kind of nudged his way into the family before there was any talk of divorce between you and your ex, your feelings may be very different from the man whose ex-wife remarried ten years after the split. That's between you and him, and this book would never presume to counsel you on mending that rift.
What this book will advise you to do, though, is to find a way to coexist with your daughter's stepfather, even if the sight of him makes your blood boil. Remember: This is a joyous occasion for your little girl, regardless of
ESSENTIAL
Try not to feel snubbed by your daughter's decision to include her stepfather — he's obviously played an important role in her life, and it's not up to you to question the validity of her feelings.
And then again, there are plenty of former and current husbands who get along pretty well — or at least well enough to occupy the same space in a banquet hall for a few hours. You may be sharing the father of the bride duties with him, depending on how long he's been in your daughter's life and/or how close she is to him. This is your daughter's decision in the end, so try to go with the flow here. Dividing duties with the bride's stepdad doesn't mean that you can't be every bit as charming and debonair as you would have been if you were the
Your Former Family
Alas, a divorce also affects your relationship with your former in-laws. If you've been labeled as That Bad Man by your ex-wife's family since the breakup, you may be feeling nervous about seeing them — or you may be feeling as though you're willing to take on anyone who dares to treat you badly at your daughter's wedding, as it's neither the time nor the place to beat dead horses. Who do they think they are, anyway?
You have a point. A wedding is a horrible place to carry on old grudge matches — but it takes two to wrestle. Refusing to hit below the belt may well eliminate you from the game altogether. Then again, you may have more abuse heaped upon you because you're good enough not to engage in such behavior at your daughter's wedding.
So what if you're taking a lot of verbal abuse in the form of snide comments and dirty looks from your ex's side of the family? As the host of this wedding, you have every right to expect a little respect from your guests. As adults, they should know better than to sully this joyous occasion with old issues.
QUESTION
Am I within my rights to tell an offensive guest to shape up or ship out?
Only if the offense is substantial enough. You should be able to ignore your ex-mother-in-law's dirty stares; if she throws a drink in your face, however, she's ruining your daughter's party, and should be shown the door.
