You've Got Company
Why, look who's at the door. It's your daughter, and she wants to know if she and her fiancé can maybe just set up house with you after the wedding. (Seems as though you
So you weren't planning on having the newlyweds living in your home. Are you the meanest dad alive if you put your foot down and say, “No, no, no, absolutely not”? Or are you simply guarding your own privacy and mental health? (Even the most progressive dads realize that newlyweds are in love and need to snuggle up with each other all the time, regardless of who's present in the room.)
Don't Unpack!
Hopefully, your daughter and her new husband won't show up at your house with their bags and their wedding gifts in tow. Ideally, there would be a conversation prior to the newlyweds setting up camp in your home, during which you'll be given the opportunity to accept the idea or to gently crush their hopes of saving money on rent.
ALERT!
If you plan on saying no to their request to move in, telling them sooner rather than later is best. You won't have to deal with the guilt of having one of them say, “Well, we just gave up a great, cheap apartment because we thought you would let us move in!”
You might want to point out to them that living on their own has many benefits:
Privacy — which every newlywed couple needs.
Independence. Living in one's own home fosters a sense of (almost) complete freedom.
Responsibility. Being forced to pay one's own bills encourages mature financial decision making.
Though the promise of reaping these benefits may be hard for the couple to swallow right now, you shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to share your home. After all, by getting married, they were implying that they're ready to take on their fair share of adult responsibilities — starting with setting up their own household. Just don't string them along, letting them think that you're going to agree to this deal, when you know there's just no way you're ever going to think this is a suitable arrangement.
Plenty of Room!
Of course, you may actually love the idea of having the kids under your roof — and in many families, it's the norm to have everyone living together. The benefit of this? It certainly creates a sense of one for all, and all for one. To make the arrangement a successful one, however, everyone has to pitch in and do his or her share.
If you're a first-timer at this, some issues you may want to address include:
Rent. Will you expect the kids to pay for their room and board? What about utilities? Or will you go to some other kind of arrangement? (They'll do the cooking and the cleaning, and you'll pay for the groceries.)
Privacy issues. Are there certain areas of your home that are off-limits (such as your bedroom or home office)? The newlyweds will probably expect that you'll stay out of their quarters, as well.
Visitors. Will the kids be allowed to host friends in your home, or do you value your peace and quiet?
Communication issues. Make a plan for resolving problems before they arise. You could set up a weekly powwow during which concerns can be addressed, or you could simply agree to have open and honest negotiations as needed.
Communication is the most important issue to address. Cohabitation works very well for some families, but not if everyone is sitting around mumbling under their breath about what so-and-so is doing (or not doing). If you can all talk openly about any sticking points, you might just make a go of having the whole family under one roof. And if things go badly…the door is always there.
