The Second Marriage
Oh, goodness. She's getting ready to walk down that aisle for the second (or third) time, and you're just up in arms over the whole thing. As far as you can tell, she didn't learn anything from her first marriage (which she now refers to as “that one big mistake”). You fear she's jumping into a new life with someone else without even taking stock of what went awry the first time around. What's a dad to do?
If there's something obviously wrong in her relationship (physical abuse, substance abuse) then you do have an obligation to speak up. Otherwise, you may just have to trust that she knows what she's getting into this time around.
You can't protect her from everything, unfortunately, and if she's made up her mind, chances are she's going to end up as this guy's Mrs. Still, there's no harm in trying to point out some very obvious flaws in her reasoning…
Look at Yourself First
However, you simply can't judge your daughter's choice to remarry based on your own trauma. She went through a tough time, to be sure, but if she's found someone to share her life with and she's happy, you've got to let your own fears and attitudes concerning marriage fall by the wayside (as far as her relationship is concerned, anyway). People do make mistakes, and sometimes, they even learn from their errors. And
He's the Same Guy
Huh. So she divorced her first husband because she couldn't stand the guy, and now she's marrying someone who is so similar you suspect they might be long-lost twin brothers. That's a real pickle for you to be in, isn't it? What do you say to a daughter who is entering into the same exact marriage that she couldn't wait to get out of? Do you have to give your blessing? What if you really like him, but you know that she's going to be packing her bags six months after the ceremony?
For starters, you're never obligated to give your blessing to a union that you don't approve of — regardless of how you feel about the groom. Still, if you feel that she's making the same exact mistake she made the first time, yes, you can address the issue with her.
Be aware that withholding your best wishes may cause real trouble in your relationship with your daughter and carries with it the very real possibility that she'll go ahead and marry him anyway, which will leave you in the doghouse for years to come.
Watch how you phrase your concerns when you bring the matter up for discussion. There's a difference between telling her she's not so bright and she's going to have another failed marriage within a year and simply saying, “Honey, I think we need to talk. Don't you think Ron [the new beau] is an awful lot like Don [the first husband]? Maybe you can tell me what you see in Ron that you didn't see in Don and why this marriage is going to last.”
Might she find fault with the latter approach as well? Sure. She's a bride, after all, and probably given to mood swings and overall anxiety. She may even use the time-honored defense, “It's
You shelled out some pretty big bucks for the first wedding, and now that she's come home to introduce you to her next husband, she seems to be assuming that you're only too happy to go through the whole check-writing process all over again. Except you aren't.
Hey, you're right — it
Um…no, Dad. That kind of ranting isn't going to win you any fans. Bluntness like that will earn you the Incredibly Insensitive Father label, which will follow you for…well, decades. It's the stuff that family legends are born of. If you're feeling a little concerned about how free your daughter seems to be with your money when it comes to weddings, find a better (calmer) way to say it.
You're not obligated to pay for another grand wedding. If you feel
If you're able to give her a little something to put toward her wedding, you may want to mull it over. A flat out refusal to assist financially (when she knows you're using your moneybags as pillows) constitutes a complete disapproval of the union. Maybe your intention is to send that very message; that's your choice, and you already know the risks involved here. If, on the other hand, you simply want her to realize the value of a buck by forcing her to pay for a wedding that
She's getting married again, and you're red-faced. What is she doing with her life, you wonder? Her first husband seemed like a good guy to you, but she claimed she was unhappy. Now she's been looking around, trying to find a situation that's perfect for her, and she claims this new guy is The One. For sure.
You, quite frankly, are a little embarrassed. How did you raise such a flighty kid? What will everyone think when they get the invitation to your capricious daughter's second wedding?
You know what? You need to forget about everyone else. You can't live your life worrying about what other people will think, because you can't ever make everyone happy, or impress everyone at the same time.
As a dad, you're supposed to impart this wisdom to your own kids — and judging from your daughter's attempts to make her life better regardless of the opinions of the masses, you might just have succeeded in this matter.
If your daughter has just gotten divorced and she's sprinting to the altar with a guy she met in her divorce lawyer's office, you're right to be concerned. These issues are best dealt with by asking a professional for help — it could be that your daughter has self-esteem issues or that she simply isn't mature enough to realize the gravity of taking on a new marriage. If, on the other hand, she left her first marriage some time ago and she's not rushing into this new marriage, you're just going to have to give her credit for knowing what she wants. She is an adult, after all.