Emotional Origins
Twos in childhood usually experienced a disruption or disturbance in their relationship with their father or father figure. Their fathers might have been punitive, demanding, or controlling; or they may have been present but non-responsive or disengaged, or even totally absent. As a result, Two children felt as if they had to meet rigid expectations in terms of how they appeared or behaved, or they simply felt unworthy of their father's love. Many then harbored deeply ambivalent feelings about their fathers, or father figures, which resulted in feeling as if they had to present a pleasing personality so that their father would finally love them, notice them, or invest any significant energy toward fulfilling their needs.
In other words, Two children probably had a parental authority who overtly or covertly wanted their children to be good in terms of being devoid of any emotional needs, requiring attention, or disturbing them. Many Two children identified more strongly with the nurturing parent to help them feel more secure with the family structure, and they dealt with the father issues by developing an internalized conscientious overseer (superego) that commanded them to act as if they were well intentioned all the time, even when they were willing to be self-centered, manipulative, and controlling in attempts to coerce someone into loving them.
Two children feel ashamed when their needs appear excessive or when they feel unworthy of having even their basic needs fulfilled. Conversely, they develop insatiable needs and covertly try to fulfill them by giving so they can be seen as good people. They act as if they are giving freely, but they secretly keep track of every gift, sacrifice, or act of kindness and who fails to return the favor. Often their unmet secret needs lead to food or drug addictions or shame-based overindulgent behavior.
Two children did whatever song and dance was needed to make their parents pay attention to them and, preferably, to fuss over how “good” they were. They also learned to smother negative emotions to avoid appearing displeasing or difficult. Eventually, Two children willingly and consistently suppressed their own feelings or desires to focus all their energy and attention on whomever they wanted to love them. This eventually led to the surrender of their genuine identity and the creation of a malleable persona that adjusted to present circumstances — functioning like an emotional weathervane, changing shape and form to become whatever the object of their need required.
Two children developed a need for others to validate their own worthiness, which then translated into needing to feel as if they were good all the time. Their need to feel and look good became so ingrained that they would have to feel good about themselves even when they were being obnoxious, demanding, or manipulative. While self-actualized Two children were genuinely caring, ego-driven and pathological Twos translated what they believed was love into a burning desire to dominate or control the person they needed most to love them.
Twos watch others like hawks and use gleaned information to make the other person love and need them. They are altruistic, but it's often based on narcissistic neediness — they need you to need them. They will suppress, deny, and sacrifice their own feelings or needs to become indispensable and noble. They are at the extroverted point on the feeling triad, which means they are more focused on others than themselves. They are very connected to feelings — somebody else's.
