Most divorcing couples experience something close to emotional breakdown at the outset of a divorce. Psychologists say that next to a spouse's or child's death, divorce is the most stressful event for married people. It takes most people more than two years to regain their equilibrium and move on with their lives after they decide to divorce.

Some experts compare the emotions of divorce to those experienced when a loved one dies. The death of a marriage often generates feelings of sadness and loss, and a similar mourning period occurs. However, there are some important differences. Divorce has no ritual form of mourning, no memorial service that brings you the support of friends and family. In divorce, your friends tend to back away, hoping to avoid taking sides or getting caught in the middle. Divorce is often accompanied by a sense of failure that is rarely part of mourning a death. Also, the formerly loved one is alive and kicking and may be making your life miserable.

The bad news is that this period of adjustment is very hard on the parties and their children. The good news is that most people do work through all the emotions of divorce and get on with their lives, and most of their children come through this turmoil without too many permanent scars.

Emotional Honeymoon Period

Despite having to adjust to the new structure of the family, it's common to feel pretty good the first month or two following a separation. You don't have the daily stress of dealing with your spouse, and that absence of tension is energizing. You and your spouse may consider reconciling and may go to marriage counseling with the hope of putting the marriage back together. You may become Super Parent, putting all your newfound energy into child-focused activities. Or you may become incredibly self-indulgent, focusing on yourself. Unfortunately, this sense of well-being will disappear all too soon.

Reality Returns

Marriage counseling isn't working. The relief of the first months transforms into loneliness. This loneliness is not so much missing your spouse as having a sense of panic that you'll be alone forever, that you'll never share happy moments with a special someone again. You may also experience depression that may affect your job performance. It can diminish your ability to concentrate. You may find yourself daydreaming on the job or simply unable to handle the daily routine at the office. Your health may suffer.

You may feel a tremendous sense of disappointment because your dreams for the future have been destroyed. Total responsibility for the children feels like drudgery, or not seeing the children leads to a profound sense of loss. You want to talk about your situation with your friends, but they lose interest just as you're warming up to your topic. Your initial high becomes an unpleasant low. A fair result seems nowhere in sight.

You feel a sense of failure. You see your kids missing their other parent and showing signs of anxiety or anger. You wonder, “What could I have done to save the marriage? Is there something wrong with me? Who changed?” Such thoughts plague sleepless, soul-searching nights, which are followed by cheerless days. You may feel abandoned and frightened of an unknown future. Sometimes you want to go back to the way it was while sometimes all you can think about is how to make your spouse hurt the way you hurt.

Acknowledge Your Anger

Some people mask their depression with anger. While depression can be paralyzing, anger tends to be energizing. However, using anger to avoid mourning the end of a marriage can be dangerous. It's normal to be angry; it's not normal to obsess about getting even with your spouse for causing you this pain. Some people get stuck in the hostility and anger phase and spend years blaming their ex-spouses for everything that goes wrong in their lives. Acknowledge your anger. Express it safely — in counseling or in conversation with a good friend. Never express anger without restraint. If you can recognize anger and accept it, you can control it, rather than letting it control you.

Six to Twelve Months after Separation

Your life still feels chaotic. Family routines are nonexistent or minimal. The financial reality of maintaining two households creates more stress. Custodial parents can become rigid, restrictive, and overprotective. They sometimes try to limit children's contact with the other parent, who they believe is too cavalier about the safety and well-being of the kids. Visiting parents want to have happy children during their limited time together, so they become overindulgent. Overindulgence can translate into having no rules. If the custodial parent learns that the other parent has no rules, visitation may be denied.

If you are a custodial mother, you've probably gone to work, even if you stayed at home with the children during the marriage. Even with child support from your soon-to-be ex, your financial situation could be tenuous. You might find more often than not that you have to tell the children there's no extra money for a field trip at school or a new baseball glove. You might no longer be able to pay for child care, so your children come home to an empty house after school and are on their own until you get home from work. You might be exhausted when you get home and have little time and energy left for the kids. That lack of energy can translate into an inability to maintain any kind of consistency in the home. Meals can become erratic. Discipline can become inconsistent. Conflicts with the children might increase.

Into the Second Year

It is common to experience regret and ambivalence about the wisdom of getting divorced. An especially lovely sunset may remind you of the times your family spent at the lake. It's likely that you'll see less and less of the friends you shared during the marriage. If you're a woman, you're likely to put your energies into projects. Typically, women take classes, garden, or join groups. Men are more likely to socialize frenetically. Sociologists who have studied the behavior of men and women after separation say that this is the time when lust runs high and commitment low. It's a year when both men and women search for ways to avoid being at home alone. You're seeking confirmation that you're attractive and competent, and social relationships can help bolster your recovering self-esteem.

Many relationships that led to the breakup of the marriage may now break up as well. Maybe the person who was there for you and gave you the courage to announce that you wanted a divorce no longer looks like the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

The Third Year Approaches

Household routines, often much different from those of the marriage, have evolved and stabilized. You've figured out how to manage with less money. You have a closer relationship with your children than you had during the marriage. If you're the visiting parent, you have blocks of uninterrupted time to talk more and do things together. If you're the custodial parent, you find yourself talking more to your children, in part because they are the only other people at home with you.

As you settle down, so do they, and a new equilibrium is established. If you've been able to work through your anger and recognize your role in the death of your marriage, you're probably ready to work with the other parent to develop a workable, affordable arrangement for you and your children's future. It's about time.