What Is a Divorce, Anyway?
A secular divorce — as opposed to a religious divorce — is the legal ending of a marriage. Many states now call divorce a “marriage dissolution,” which is probably even more accurate.
For the couple who has been married only a short time and has no children, divorce usually means cutting the ties that bind and moving on. The couple has some regrets, some sadness and, perhaps, some anger. Mostly, the couple decides the marriage isn't working and isn't healthy for either of them, so they divide their possessions, draft their papers, and begin a new life. If these people meet again in later months or years, it's usually by chance and usually feels okay.
Children Complicate Divorce
For people with children, divorce is more complex. The role of a parent is for a lifetime, and for that reason, divorce for a family with children can't be simply an ending of the adult relationship because the family will need to have contact for years to come.
Children see divorce as redesigning their relationship with their parents: “On Tuesdays I'm with Mom; on Wednesdays I'm with Dad.” Regardless, they expect to continue relationships with both of their parents. Even so, children worry a lot about losing a parent through divorce. Sometimes one parent tries to punish the other by undermining the ex-spouse's relationship with the children, perhaps by refusing to let the children spend time with the other parent or by saying ugly things about her to the children. Some children lose years of knowing a parent, and vice versa. Sometimes a relationship is lost forever, a devastating loss to both parent and child.
Courts can't make parents behave in a cooperative, supportive way. Only the parents themselves can choose to do this. When parents behave badly, the only option left to the court is to impose a structure on the parents for sharing the responsibility for the children. How the parents behave within that structure is beyond the power of the court.
Even though it may be tempting to use children as a weapon against your spouse, it is critical to remember that while you may be hurting your spouse, you will also be hurting your children. Children who have been used in this way often require therapy in order to resolve the psychological problems they incur as a result of these tactics. Some children never recover and grow into adults with severe relationship issues. Judges who become aware of parents using these tactics will typically impose harsh penalties against them.
Regardless of how hostile you feel toward your spouse or your spouse feels toward you, it is best for you, your spouse, and your children to develop a plan for rearing the children in a cooperative, supportive way. This includes an ongoing financial arrangement that divides assets in a way that eases financial worries. If there aren't enough assets to overcome financial worries, the burden at least should be shared. That way, your energy can go to living your life and raising your children.
Ending a Long-Term Marriage
Couples ending a long-term marriage need to balance many competing considerations. They may have adult children who are outside the authority of a divorce court, but law does not mirror life here. Adult children are staying in the nest longer and return to live with their parents more often than they did in the past.
In some states, parents are required to support children until they reach eighteen years of age; in other states the requirement ends at twenty-one years of age. Past this age, the court lacks the ability to require parents to support their children. This means children of the marriage may not be able to attend or continue attending college or trade school, even when this was clearly a part of the marital plan.
A long-term marriage will more likely have the traditional roles of breadwinner and homemaker. For the homemaker, the prospect of old age without money is very scary, especially because people are living longer. If you are in your forties or fifties, it may be very difficult for you to get a job that pays reasonably well if you don't have any work experience. Even then, you'll have only a few years to generate retirement savings.
Couples with adult children still living at home are faced with providing support, even though these children are legally adults. They need to finance two homes. They need to make arrangements for retirement. They need to set up separate, coordinated estate plans that operate for the benefit of their children and grandchildren. Older divorcing couples have issues that are different from couples whose children are under eighteen.
Parents Should Behave Respectfully
All parents need to divorce in a respectful, dignified way because they still will have to deal with one another as parents and grandparents. Their children will experience milestones when they graduate from college, marry, and have their own children. The family still will celebrate birthdays and holidays — events children will want to be festive, not clouded by their parents' anger or bitterness over the past.
The court is limited to setting a visitation schedule and ordering financial support, and it can only respond to violations of these orders. The judge cannot control the subtle sniping and irreparable damage it causes children when parents do not behave respectfully toward one another.
Your children will want both of you to participate. Presumably, most parents don't really want to spoil their children's big moments or expend negative energy every time they have to deal with their ex-spouse. Families need to get through the divorce and get on with their lives.
