Reality Rear-Ends Expectations
People end up frustrated and upset with the divorce process because they have expectations about the process that bear little semblance to the reality of going to court. People going through a divorce often use words like fair, win, and punish. It wasn't fair that the marriage failed. Why should the divorce be fair? Perhaps the words fair and just get confused. What about winning or losing? Nobody wins in court!
A Closer Look
Let's take a closer look at these unmet expectations. First of all, what is a court, really? It's a place where an elected or appointed person, the judge, makes decisions when you can't make them for yourselves. A judge makes decisions by applying the laws governing the issues in each case. Legislatures and appellate courts devise these laws, and many of the laws put limits on the trial judge's decision-making power. Even so, the judge's decisions will have a tremendous impact on your lives.
See You in Court
Couples often decide their marriage is over in the context of significant conflict. For many people it's not easy to have a rational discussion about ending a relationship. The relationship has hit the rocks because of factors that generate bad feelings: unmanageable debt, addictions to substances, gambling, spending, extramarital affairs, and clashing philosophies. On top of these, people often feel an agonizing sense of failure or a sense of worthlessness. People beginning a divorce are angry, upset, and often irrational.
The reality you must come to accept is that you're better off staying out of court. Court can be draining, both emotionally and financially. If it's at all possible for you to negotiate with your spouse, do so instead of trying to punish her with a court battle.
“I'll see you in court!” is often used as a parting shot from one party to the other. What expectations lie behind this challenge? Many people believe courts will fix what is broken, shape up the wrongdoer, understand the issues, and see fairness as they do. Not likely. Regardless of how right you think you are in your cause, you are more than likely to lose on at least a few of your issues when you go to court. In addition, you may completely destroy any chances you had to develop a postdivorce relationship with your spouse.
Reality Check
The judge is there to enforce the laws of the state, not provide a supportive and therapeutic environment for divorcing couples. It's important to know that the laws of divorce don't deal with the feelings of the people who are getting divorced. There are no provisions in the divorce laws to help you cope with your sadness or anger that the marriage is ending.
Second, laws governing divorce limit what judges can do. Divorce laws are specific in most states, and most now have no-fault divorce laws that cite irretrievable breakdown or irreconcilable differences as the basis for the divorce. State laws spell out what factors judges should use in deciding custody of children and visitation, in determining what is marital property and how it should be divided, and in awarding spousal maintenance — also called alimony — and child support. The judge has to follow your state's rules unless he can show a good reason not to. The laws are one size fits all even though each divorce has its own particular set of problems that requires its own set of solutions.
The trouble is, the divorcing couple doesn't know about these limitations when they hurl that “see you in court” challenge. As a rule, divorcing couples expect a judge to right the wrongs of the marriage using laws and the legal system. The result? Expectations and reality don't fit.
