Some divorces never use the courts, except to get the final judgment and decree signed. Some divorces have minimal involvement with the courts, maybe a temporary hearing, a pretrial hearing, or a settlement conference in which an agreement is reached and put on the record. Putting an agreement on the record is legalese for reciting the agreement in front of a judge and a court reporter, usually in a courtroom. Both parties agree under oath that this is, in fact, their agreement and they will be bound by it.

Once the agreement is presented, agreed to by the parties, and approved by the court, one of the lawyers prepares the judgment and decree incorporating that agreement. Usually the lawyer representing the petitioner/plaintiff will do this, or maybe it will be the one who has the information in his computer. Once it is approved by both parties and their lawyers, the judge signs it. Once you've made your agreement in front of the judge, you don't have to go back to court again, because the lawyers will take care of the paperwork. Your lawyer will let you know that the decree has been entered and when the divorce is final.

Back and Forth to Court

Other divorce cases are in court almost monthly for years. She brings him to court for paying support a few days late. He takes her to court for claiming the children are sick on his visitation days. Her lawyer hauls him into court because he hasn't answered the interrogatories that were due two days ago. She sells her car and he brings a motion for half the money.

On and on and on it goes. These repeated trips to the courthouse often are symptoms of the parties' inability to let go of their relationship. These litigious folks really haven't finished the marriage. Their frequent court appearances are one way to guarantee seeing each other on a regular basis. What an expensive — and negative — way to continue a relationship.

The Courts as a Battering Ram

Some people use the courts as a battering ram. They want to repeatedly tell the judge, and anyone else who will listen, that their spouse is a loser. Maybe they want to exhaust their spouse emotionally and financially, so he finally caves in and accepts an unfavorable settlement. In some cases the primary wage earner of the relationship may try and use up all of the marital resources on litigation, knowing that she has a good job and can start over while the other spouse, who has primarily stayed home and foregone job advancement, is left to rely on some limited maintenance payments and his minimum wage job. When one of the parties uses the courts in this way, she also uses financial resources that could be better used to take care of the family. If you have such a spouse, make sure you point it out to your lawyer and if possible the judge in your case.

Think Before You Act

As you may have heard in other contexts, pick your battles. Some things are way more important than others. For example, protecting your kids is paramount, so going to court may be the only way to protect them. If you can't make the mortgage payment because your spouse is behind in his support payments, this is another reason you need to go to court.

Don't make hasty decisions about bringing your issues to court. Determine if your choice is going to be cost effective. For example, if you want to try to get spousal maintenance reduced by $20 a month, you may be better off waiting until you have other issues to present to the court. A motion will probably cost you $1,000 or more in lawyer fees. You'd have to save that $20 a month for more than four years just to pay your lawyer. Saving your court battles for the things that really matter will save you money and promote a better relationship between you and your spouse.