Mending Fences with Your Ex
Let's assume you and your ex-spouse have no children and that, after dividing your assets, neither of you has an obligation to make monthly payments to the other, either as spousal maintenance or as part of your property settlement. If that describes your situation, you're in a good position to move on. You may be leaving the relationship on a friendly footing, or you still may be harboring bad feelings from the breakup and divorce experience. If you do want to clear the air, you can always go to a counselor who does exit counseling. Perhaps you can have a last supper together, reminisce about the good times, commiserate about the bad, and part on a friendly basis. Only you can decide whether it's important to mend fences.
On the other hand, if you have children, you'll have to deal with your ex until death — yours, his, or the kids'. Under these circumstances, at least you'll want to have a civil relationship with your children's other parent. Of course, counseling is always an option, but in your day-to-day interactions with your ex, you can do a number of things, and avoid doing others, to improve dealings between you. For example, if your ex has primary physical custody of the children, here are some do's and don'ts:
Recent literature suggests an apology often goes a long way toward healing past hurts. So, even if you believe it was all your ex's fault, you might consider saying you're sorry. You might also consider being the one to extend the olive branch even if you feel your ex is to blame for everything. Forgiveness and acceptance has to start somewhere.
Do pay any support on time and in full.
Don't send support checks with the children.
Do spend time with your children on a regular, consistent basis.
Do pick up and return the children on time. If you're going to be late, notify the other parent.
Do tell the other parent where you and the children will be if you're taking them on a trip. Write down an address and telephone number and the dates of the trip.
Don't say negative things to your ex-spouse when exchanging the children. Be respectful and pleasant.
Don't show up at your ex's home unannounced. Respect boundaries.
Don't say things to the children such as, “I can't take you to the movies because your mother has all my money.”
Do work with your ex-spouse to pay for extras for your children like camp and music lessons. After all, these things benefit your children.
Do try to find housing near the children's primary residence to make commuting easier and to make it easier to be on time for picking up and returning the children.
If you have primary physical custody of the children, here are some do's and don'ts:
Don't have the children ask your ex-spouse for the child support.
Don't schedule activities for the children that interfere with their time with the other parent.
Do encourage the children to contact the other parent on a regular basis.
Do make sure the children are ready to leave when it's time for them to go with the other parent.
Don't threaten to prevent the children from seeing the other parent in an attempt to get your ex-spouse to do something such as paying for hockey or ballet lessons.
Don't refuse to let the other parent have visitation because he hasn't paid his child support. Children do not understand this tit for tat way of thinking. In any case, they shouldn't know that child support is past due.
Do give the other parent complete information about the children's school, doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and church.
Do share activity schedules so the other parent can attend games, practices, and recitals.
Do list the other parent on all school and medical records and church registrations.
Don't try to change your children's names.
Don't raise adult issues when exchanging the children. Be respectful and pleasant.
Don't try to move the children's home a long way away from the other parent. Long-distance parenting is hard on everyone.
These do's and don'ts address many of the issues that most often upset and make parents angry with each other.
A major factor in getting on with your life is getting along with your children's other parent. The parent who continues to relive old hurts and angers harms herself and the children. Ongoing anger drains your energy for no useful purpose. Getting back at your spouse may feel good in the short term, but it has long-term negative effects on the children.
Be aware of the sensitive spots and do your best not to pour salt into old wounds. Try to remember your ex-spouse is your children's other parent, a person you once loved. Try to remember conflict is the number one cause of problems for children of divorce. You're using negative energy when you stay angry and upset, and the children will feel it.
