Get Back to the Future
You've found a place to live and have furnished it so it feels like yours. You've established a routine that includes work and the children. Now, what are you doing for yourself? On those evenings when the children aren't with you, do you go home, flip open a beer, turn on the TV, and vegetate until bedtime? Do you call your ex-spouse and leave nasty messages on her answering machine?
Following the pain of divorce, many people are eager for acceptance. Therefore, it is easy to “fall in love” with the first person who shows interest in you. Remember that you're on the rebound and emotionally fragile. It will be better for everyone concerned if you take your time and make sure to pick the right person with whom to start a new life.
It's normal to feel sad after a divorce. It's normal to be angry. It's even normal to feel sorry for yourself. For a while. Divorce is a lot like experiencing the death of a loved one. The loved one didn't die, but your feelings for them did. It's easy to keep the wound open by dwelling on the past.
Take Inventory
With time, you may even revise history to make yourself the undeserving victim. For instance, as you nurse your second or third beer, you feel more and more angry or sad, so you call your ex-spouse hoping to aggravate her, or maybe cry on her shoulder. Your ex, however, is out for the evening and Grandpa is watching the kids. How sad that you spent so much energy focusing on your ex-spouse when you were so far from her thoughts.
If you find yourself stuck in the past, it's time to take inventory. Who are you, and where are you going? What choices are open to you, and what are the consequences of these choices? If you can't do this yourself, consider working with a counselor or therapist to develop a plan for breaking free of the past and really starting that new life.
Testing the Waters
You're finally ready to think about life beyond the couch. The first step is to realize living alone is okay. This may be a totally new experience because you went from living at home with your parents to living in a dorm or an apartment with a roommate to living with your spouse. At first, life on your own may feel really strange; however, you can learn to luxuriate in time that is yours alone. Once you're adjusted to your single status, you're ready to look for new adventures.
Getting off the couch and getting involved in activities is good for your mind and your body. Active people generally have better health and a more positive outlook on life. When you feel good, you communicate positive things to others. Your children will notice, and so will people who could provide potential new relationships.
What if you've never taken time to develop hobbies or interests outside work and family? A whole new world is out there, waiting to be discovered. Most communities offer adult education classes in subjects ranging from drawing to French to woodworking. Many local school districts publish their offerings quarterly. Health clubs offer classes, too. Their offerings range from exercise programs like Jazzercise to competitive athletics such as tennis. Many religious organizations sponsor programs just for singles.
Taking such classes is a way to develop new interests and to meet new people. The choices are many, and the cost is usually modest. You just need to take advantage of the opportunities out there.
Involve Your Kids in New Interests
In addition to developing interests for yourself, you can look into new activities involving your children. Kids are a great excuse to do things you might be embarrassed to do on your own, like going to the zoo or watching a Disney movie. You and your children might learn a new skill together, like golfing or playing the piano. Competing with a parent is often an incentive for children, and, to your surprise, you may find yourself having fun, too. Participating in activities with the children helps avoid the sugar mommy syndrome, where visiting parents just take their kids out and spend money on them or give them stuff. Giving of yourself is much more meaningful than loading up your kids with material things.
