A New Relationship?
If you began a new relationship before ending the marriage, your spouse probably didn't react well to being replaced. His anger and hurt may have increased the hostility level of your divorce. The relationship that triggered your leaving the marriage may or may not survive the divorce.
Take It Slowly
In any case, it might be wise to give yourself some time alone before re-entering that relationship or beginning another. A new relationship has its best chance for success if you're feeling okay with yourself. If you get involved with someone new to show your ex-spouse you're still desirable or to fill those empty evenings, you may discover you haven't traded up. Amazingly, people tend to select new spouses who are much like the original model. You may want to take some time to figure out just what you want in a new companion and what characteristics of Spouse Number One led to the marriage's end.
Again, Consider the Children
If you have children, you need to be candid with your new love about the importance of your children. If that person doesn't have children, chances are she will want some of her own. Do you have the energy and financial ability to support a second family? Under the law, obligations to your first family take precedence over any new obligations you take on.
While you should look upon your new life as a great adventure and an opportunity to meet your goals and make your dreams come true, don't go overboard. Especially if you have children, there will always be something tying you to your former life. If you try to cut those ties, you'll likely regret it in the future.
If your new love interest does have children, how they will fit into the equation? You'll need to introduce your children to a new person in your life and a whole new set of siblings. If your children see your love as having caused the divorce, they may be pretty hostile. Even if you stay single for a while, they may resent the new love taking your time and attention away from them, so be sure to focus your energy on making the children feel safe and loved.
Second Marriages
If you remarry, continue to be sensitive to your children's reaction. Sometimes they're really happy to have this new person as part of the family. Sometimes they're not. It may be wise to establish guidelines with your new spouse regarding the children. Discipline can be an especially sticky issue. If the kids know you're the only one who will enforce rules, they can make your new spouse's life a living hell.
A second marriage is harder than a first, and national statistics show an even higher percentage of second marriages fail. Second marriages have new stresses brought about by circumstances resulting from the dissolution of the first marriage. Your new spouse may push you into fighting for a different parenting arrangement. A lot of new spouses pressure their partners to go after joint custody. Or your new spouse may resent supporting your children and may pressure you to take your ex-spouse back to court for more child support. Whatever the pressures, you need to stay in charge in your second marriage, just as you needed to stay in charge during your divorce.
Do not require your children to call a new spouse Mom or Dad. They already have a mom and a dad. Little kids will be confused. Big kids will be resentful. Your ex-spouse will be mighty angry. After all, how would you like it if your spouse had your children calling a new love interest Mommy or Daddy?
If you wait until you're ready, if you establish open lines of communication with those important to you — your new spouse, your kids, your ex — and if you stay in charge, you stand the best chance of success.
