A successful marriage often requires work and effort. Sometimes the problems of the marriage make divorce look like a good choice, but surviving a divorce is difficult as well. Be sure that you've given your marriage every possible chance before deciding to end it. You should first pinpoint the reasons why you're unhappy or dissatisfied with the marriage. Sometimes these problems can be fixed, and sometimes they can't. You'll never know unless you first identify them.

The Thrill Is Gone

People have expectations about marriage. They believe marriage will be like courtship except that no one has to go home at the end of the evening. There's no way to appreciate the effort that goes into making a marriage work until you actually get married and live with the day-to-day reality of sharing your life with another person.

When partners in a relationship do nice things for each other and say nice things to each other, they can more easily ignore the little things about the other person that they don't like very much. When the nice things and the nice words become few and far between, the little annoyances get much bigger. When you surprise each other with little presents, go out dancing on Saturday nights, and often say, “I love you,” the work of taking care of your home and each other is more fun than drudgery.

Home and family responsibilities can feel quite different when you're awakened by a sick child at 3 A.M. for the third night in a row and your spouse rolls over and tells you to deal with it. It can be disappointing when you've gone out of your way to do something special for your spouse and your efforts go unnoticed. Over time, the day-to-day responsibilities of home, spouse, and children become heavier and heavier. The happy moments become rarer and rarer. It becomes easier and easier to keep a score sheet of the times your spouse has disappointed you, and to create a mental list of your spouse's shortcomings. You feel overwhelmed by what's wrong with your marriage and find it harder and harder to find anything that's right.

Money Troubles Can Sabotage Marriages

Maybe you and your spouse have different ideas about finances. Maybe you both like more of the good life than you can afford or one of you is controlling and penny-pinching while the other has a casual attitude toward spending. Is chronic unemployment an issue? Is there tension because she makes more than he does?

Financial issues can add a lot of stress to a marriage. If your money issues are attitudinal — that is, how you feel about spending and saving — you may be able to resolve them in counseling. If your money issues have led you into significant debt, you will need to do more than talk. You will probably need to meet with a financial counselor and develop a plan to pay off the debts.

Children Can Be the Breaking Point

Do you have children? It's not unusual for the imminent arrival of a baby to be the basis for a wedding. Many people really want to have children, so they expand their families early in the marriage. Kids are wonderful, but they can also increase the stress on a marriage. Do you and your spouse agree on how to raise children? Do you have similar goals and objectives for your kids? Do you agree on safety needs and appropriate supervision? Do you share the responsibility of caring for the children? Parenting disagreements can be incredible land mines in a marriage. If things are shaky for starters, fights over children can bring a marriage down.

Trapped in an Abusive Marriage

If your partner is verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive, you need to seriously consider ending the marriage. Statistics show that domestic violence typically increases in frequency and severity over time. It can be dangerous for you and your children to remain in a marriage where your spouse engages in abusive behaviors. In some cases, it can be lethal. The news is full of stories about murder/suicides, missing spouses, and violence perpetrated by one spouse against another. If you are trapped in an abusive marriage, there are resources that can help. Find them. You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Domestic violence will be discussed in greater detail in Chapter 17.