You Have Alternatives
It's very important to know what you want from a divorce. You need to decide two things: the result (parenting, property, financial support) and the resolution process to get that result. After you've read this chapter, you'll be able to compare and contrast two dispute resolution processes — alternative dispute resolution and litigation. Think of dispute resolution as a range of possibilities, from being totally in charge of decision making to putting the decisions completely in the hands of a judge.
You've got three choices for how to resolve your disputes while staying in control of the decision making.
Negotiation. If you and your spouse negotiate an agreement on how to divide your assets, parent your children, and support two households, you are totally in charge.
Negotiation with lawyers. If you add lawyers to the process, you and your lawyers will try to resolve the issues, but you'll still be mostly in charge, although the lawyers may influence your decisions.
Mediation. If your lawyers suggest mediation, you'll add another player — a mediator — who will meet with you, your spouse, and sometimes your lawyers to try to resolve your issues.
In all three cases, you and your spouse will still be the decision makers, but in two cases you'll be helped by professionals.
When you're making the decision of how to proceed with the divorce, try to keep your emotions out of the process. Sometimes swallowing your pride is the best course of action. If you're hurt or angry, you'll most likely want to punish your spouse by taking her to trial, but this may not be in your best interests.
If you're unable to resolve your issues using negotiation or mediation, you'll have to give up your decision-making authority and look to someone else to do the job. Here you've got two choices:
Arbitration. This means you, your spouse, and the lawyers select an arbitrator to resolve the issues you're unable to resolve yourselves. While you do choose the arbitrator, this person makes the decisions, so you don't have final say.
Court trial. If you don't want to use arbitration, your last choice is to turn the case over to a judge who will decide the issues. You don't get to choose the judge, so the decision making is totally out of your hands.
